Friday, August 17, 2012

The wonders of "EWWWW"...

     Language is an amazing thing.  We tend to ignore the idea that there was a time when people grunted and pointed to get their ideas across.  For all we know when Mortimer the caveman said "Urgh ug grugh" he was really saying "My dear boy, Mammoth meat really might be the next diet food, don't you think?"  Then the Ice Age came and everyone died except for John Leguizamo, Denis Leary, and Ray Romano in their hilarious animal forms.  I think Queen Latifah was there too, but I haven't read a history book in a while, so I'm not too sure.  Of course as I man, I still grunt and point to get my ideas across and up until a few months ago so did our baby girl, Luna. 


Okay, so not all cavemen grunted...

     Now the smattering of words have grown and grown as the days and months have sped up.  It is so weird to see such a tiny human being using words like "Breakfast", "Banana" and "Economic crisis" in mini sentences.  Okay, I stretched the truth about that last part.  She can't say "Breakfast".  While the words may not always be crystal clear, you can get the point.  Once your child becomes a toddler it is like you somehow become a linguistics expert for some undiscovered language.  It's sort of like that old Jodie Foster movie "Nell" but a whole lot less annoying. 



   "Oh Canada...I mean...oodie blah..."
    So, as words advance, so does the understanding of expressions.  When Luna was very little she already knew that when something was exciting you could best express that by going "Oooooh" as you discover the electrical socket and dream of sticking the neighbor's cat's tail in it.  Lately as Luna began potty training, we caught ourselves saying "Ewwww" after changing a diaper.  So of course, Luna fell in love with the expression. 

Now, every time she witness something she deems as gross she let's out a long "Ewwwwww..." Unfortunately there are many things she thinks are gross.  Normal things.  A baby wipe, an unopened package of diapers and the funniest...my feet.  This morning I was laying on the couch with my feet sticking out.  Luna walked right up to my feet and scrunched up her nose and let out a disapproving "Ewwwww". 

So I quickly took a shower and tried to eradicate the stink from my feet.  I got dressed in a rush, leaving my clothes on the floor and the bathroom door open.  I walked down the hall and heard another loud "Ewwww".  Once I entered the bathroom I saw Luna putting my underwear in the open toilet saying "Agua...Ewww".   She may not say many words, but she can sure get her point across.  Her Pop-Pop is one stinky dude.

*All images are property of their respective owners and used for satire purposes.


    

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Toddler nudity in the neighborhood...

     Have you ever heard that old saying "When it's really hot there's nothing better to do but to strip naked and run around in the yard."?  No?  I think Lady Godiva said it, or maybe it was Randy Travis.  Anyway, my toddler Luna must have heard this saying because when the heat gives us all the beat down, her birthday suit is her only suit.  Any of you who live in Southern California know that this heat has been unbearable lately.  It has been so hot that even going outside is out of the question.  I saw a humming bird burst into flames. 
 
     We had recently bought a small inflatable pool shaped like a smiling green frog for Luna to play in.  That frog has not been smiling, Yesterday I put in the water and it boiled as the frog screamed "It burns, it burns!"  So rather than have toddler stew in a boiling rubber frog, I have been letting Luna run around the front yard as I spray her with the hose.  She loves it, but she does not like wearing her wet clothes or wet diaper.  That thing gobbles up water like I gobble up cheese, and we are both bloated and wobbly afterward.      
 
     So of course, we have been allowing Luna to run around naked as a jay bird on the front lawn.  By the way, I assume a jay bird is a Blue Jay, I'm not sure.  We had a snotty Blue Jay that hung around my grandmother's house but he was fully clothed in a suit and top hat and wore a monocle.  He would always shout "By Jove, jolly good show!" before stealing the cat's food and pecking her in the face.  Mercy and I are both fine with the baby's nudity.  She's a baby, it's no big deal.  Plus she puts the streak in streaking, she is moving so fast that all you can see is a fleshy blur speeding across the lawn.  Michelea, the fourteen year old thinks we are disgusting heathens for letting the baby run wild.  I am happy that she thinks that, hopefully when she gets older she will finally go along with my "Burqa as a bathing suit" idea.

    We have received a few snotty stares by some of the neighborhood passersby and local dogs, but I just tend to ignore them.  Especially those bulldogs that strut down the street thinking "I may be naked and lick myself, but I'm a dog."  Okay, I am not sure they are thinking that, but they have such judgemental eyes.  They're probably thinking: "It's hot, can I drink out of your toilet?"

   As long as this heatwave continues, I am fine with this loose dress code.  Well, for toddlers at least.  If I have my way the fourteen year old might be the only student in her class to wear a Nun's habit.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Nerd Alert: Is "Avengers Assemble" worth your comic book buck?

Whether you liked the recent "Avengers" movie or not, there is one undeniable factoid...it made a whole lot of money. Over a billion dollars world wide. Naturally when a project like the "Avengers" film is that successful their are spin offs galore. The most obvious would be "Avengers Assemble", an on-going comic book series that debuted right before the film's release and features the same cast of characters. It's like printing money. You have a built in fan base from the movie and a pre-existing fan base from the comics and bam! Instant gold, right? Well...Your book still has to be good. I would like to say that Avengers Assemble is good, but I can't. It's not flat out bad mind you, it just isn't the Avengers book that I would choose to represent the characters to a mainstream audience. Here is a short rundown of the story thus far: A super powered secret society known as the Zodiac has attacked various government sites across the globe, these actions have brought together the group of Captain America, Iron Man, Thor,The Hulk, Black Widow and Hawkeye (The movie line-up). After being individually defeated by the Zodiac the assembled Avengers...assemble...again (It's the title) and give the bad guys the beat down until they run crying to their master. That master in question is
SPOILER ALERT (If you haven't seen the end credits of the Avengers movie you need to stop reading and get out more...seriously the movie is like 3 months old already!) Thanos. The purple faced big bad gives our guys the beat down and disappears with his stolen goodies, the ultra shiny, ultra destructive cosmic cube. When all seems lost and the Avengers seem like they are in over their heads they are helped out by the guardians of the galaxy, picture them as a space themed version of the Avengers with aliens and a talking, gun wielding raccoon.

Now that you are all caught up, let's talk writing. Brian Micheal Bendis is a great writer and he has done a great job on some of the best Avengers stories. His "New Avengers" run is hands down one of my favorite super hero team books. However, his style is very different here, it is as if the company gave him the directive to write down to the fans and create a loose, somewhat sloppy plot that would appeal to the masses. It is not your typical well thought out, well executed BMB storyline. Not only is the plot insultingly formulaic, it reads as if it were written by a committee of executives rather than one writer. For example, not only are the cast of characters from the movie, the main villain and supporting allies are all rumored to appear in the sequel. From his awesome appearance at the end of the first movie, it is obvious that Thanos will appear in part 2. What you may not know is that the Guardians of the Galaxy are rumored to appear as well and spin off into their own franchise. If that is truly the case then this book is just a commercial tie-in, a marketing tool to introduce newcomers to characters that they will see more of in the sequel. It's a smart business move, but not the best way to build a plot. To his credit though, Bendis still has some great character moments with his patented snappy banter.

On the artistic side of things, Mark Bagley is still one of the greatest artists Marvel comics has on tap. If you loved his fluid, detailed and fun take on Amazing Spider Man and later Ultimate Spider Man, you will love this more. It is a wide screen epic that Bagley was born to draw. If you are willing to put up with the filler of a bad plot you are in store for some eye candy.

Overall, this book does not make it clear when the story is taking place, or if it fits in the regular Marvel Universe at all. Besides the fact that each character looks more like their movie counterpart than their normal comic book look, there is no mention of what is happening with the on-going Avengers/X-men crossover. That series features everyone in the marvel universe fighting everyone else. It is a massive war that involves the destructive power of the Phoenix entity, yet we get no mention of it here, plus keep in mind that all of these Avengers should be fighting the x-men and can't possibly be in two places at once. With all of that baggage, I can only recommend this book to the casual buyer or child who just wants to read the most basic of stories accompanied with great art, because that's all you're getting here.

Blast from the past: June 24th 2010

Netflix is an interesting creation. You can think of any movie on any topic and chances are you will find something to watch. Let's say that you want to watch a film about Snowboarding, you can find it there. Now if you want to watch a specific film about Snowboarding starring....let's just throw a name out at random....Corey Haim...and you want this movie to co-star....Jim Varney (From the hillarious Ernest movies such as the classic 'Ernest goes to the Vatican' or the equally funny 'Ernest kills a man for a Klondike Bar') sadly you can find such a movie. Snowboard Academy And yes, it also stars Brigitte Nielsen from Red Sonia and whatever she did with Flava Flave that I am trying to block from my mind (I shudder at the thought). So, it is a scientifically proven fact that you can find almost any type of movie on Netflix, even one based on the Pregnancy For Dummies book. Pregnancy for Dummies Guess what my wife and I watched yesterday...No, not Snow Boarding Academy...although that's in the queue and we shall watch it soon! While the title may sound somewhat offensive, Snowboarding for Pregnacy...I mean Pregnancy for Dummies was actually a very in depth, well thought out program that eased a few fears that Mercy and I both have. It also scared the hell out of us. The thought of seeing the ultrasound image of our see through baby and all of his or her organs was kind of terrifying.
So, after watching parts one and two of this four part series, I began thinking....If this is a good movie to watch while you are expecting, I wonder what movies are really really bad to watch. The obvious movies that sprung to my mind were Rosemary's Baby
Rosemary's BabyWhere Mia Farrow is secretly selected to have the devil's spawn by a satanic cult. And no, this has nothing to do with Woody Allen.
The only other movies that I can think of that would be terrifying to watch when you are expecting are the films fromt he "It's Alive Series".
It's AliveIt's Alive 2 / It's Alive 3
These shlocky horror films are about a couple who somehow give birth to a fanged mutant baby who goes on a killing spree. With hillarious results. I think they were produced by the Walt Disney Company, but I am not sure.
If anyone else has any other films to add to the list, please let me know. Now, I must go and write my new Screenplay entitled Snowboarding babies from Hell.

*All images are property of their respective owners and used for parody purposes.

Blast From the past: June 25th, 2010

Tummy touching

As my wife and I continue on our journey to parenthood, we have heard from many people, movies, magical talking cats who wear top hats, and other sources that pregnant women are victim to a strange phenomenon. It seems that no matter where a pregnant woman is, someone wants to touch her belly. Of course, since we are so early into the pregnancy, we have not come across this situation, but the whole idea is kind of odd to me.

As human beings, we have been going through the human experience for ages, we all know how babies are made(The stork comes in the middle of the night and plants a seed in the woman's belly button and a baby grows inside her. You all know that!)and we all know what pregnant women look like. This has been a very common occurance that has been going on since the dawn of man, so why do random people act like the monkey at the beggining of Space: 2001 everytime they see a pregnant woman walk into the room? It's like some mysterious monolith appearing and radiating a magical beam of curiosity. What do random people think they will gain once they have touched a pregnant woman's belly? Wisdom? Insight to the meaning of life? No, they just create a weird situation.
Before you ask, no I am not talking about family of the pregnant woman. I think it is perfectly normal for the father, grandmother, cousin, aunt, uncle of the baby to want to touch the tummy. Afterall, it is their little relative inside there! For me it is amazing to know that my future child is living in my wife's stomach not too far faway rom the Bacon Avocado sandwhich she had just eaten. But why do strangers think it's okay to gawk at and even touch the tummy of a pregnant woman they don't even know?

Sure, I don't know if this will really happen to Mercy yet, I have no idea what adventures this pregnancy will bring. My only real source of information comes from television, movies, old cartoons, stories old people have told me and things I read on weird websites. However, I think if some random person just springs out of the bushes and rubs my wife's belly for goodluck or something, I may punch them in the eye.

Blast From the Past: September 16th, 2010


     If you read the last post, you probably know that the baby mooned his or her mother and grandmother during a space age ultra sound picture show last week. Well, in an unrelated, yet similar sounding turn of events, last night I just found out about something called Babymoons. Any guesses on what that involves? No, it doesn't involve baby butts like the previous post. It's like a honeymoon that you take before the baby is born. Hence the term Babymoon. And no, there is not a pregnancy version of a Bachelorette party. Pregnant women should not drink and stuff dollar bills down the speedo of a guy dressed like a sexy police officer. It's just plain wrong. That's for after the baby's born.

It seems that these Babymoons are quite popular and many people even travel abroad. Can you imagine this scenario: You and your wife are traveling to Sydney, Australia for a Babymoon with lots of fun and sun. Mix that equation in with the fact that your wife is five months pregnant and has to pee every thirty five seconds during your fifteen hour flight. Sounds like a smashing good time! Those trips are for crazy people. I am all for celebrating the baby's arrival with a small vacation (I do not want to write the word Babymoon anymore! Even though I just did) but a plane trip or a long car ride is just insanity. How about this for a Babymoon (I did it again!) we wade in a small kiddie pool in the front yard while listening to the Beach Boys and the Beatles. I'll get a small BBQ and grill up some hot dogs and give my wife a massage, hoping that she won't notice that I confused the mustard for lotion. That sounds nice, right?

Blast From the Past: September 13th 2010

The Baby Mooned My Wife....

Well, the title should speak for itself. Its been a long time blogies. But absence makes the heart grow fonder and I am back with plenty 'O news. New news not old news. As of today we just found out that Mercy is 20 weeks rather than the sixteen weeks that we thought last week. Yes, for those of you new to the baby world like I am, everything is broken down into weeks. So 20 weeks = 5 months. So at age 28 I am 1456 weeks old. So today, Mercy had her space age super sonigram baby scope picture day. Sadly, I was not able to be there. I was there for all of the previous tummy pictures, but work was in the way today....CURSE YOU WORK!! Anyway, today was the day that we were hoping to learn the baby's gender, Mercy's mother, who I lovingly refer to as Mini-mom was my surogate today...and what did they see? Tiny baby buns! Yes, the baby mooned his momma and grandma and is now coming on January 31st! A smart ass baby who flashes the camera and arrives earlier than expected? Has to be a boy, right? So the great debate rolls on! What do you think? Boy are girl?

Update 8/13/12:  In case you didn't know, we had a baby girl, Luna Catalina Castro-Miller on Feb. 10th 2011    

Blast from the past: Also July 28th 2010

Lucy on the tv with diamonds

Television makes everything seem so easy. Corrupt politicians and their hired crooks are oppressing the citizenry? No problem, the A-team just builds come custom made tank like vehicle and busts on the scene beating the bad guys into submission (How come the A-team has that awesome van, yet every episode involves them building some crazy home made vehicle?) Did you use too much soap in your wash and have suddsy water overflowing onto the floor? Don't worry about it. Alice the maid would waltz in and fix the situation in just seconds.

What I like about I Love Lucy is that nothing was EVER easy for her. Yeah, the situations were complicated in an unrealistic, funny way, but at least Lucy had to work her way out of a problem. Just like you and I do! Well, I never accidently got really drunk during a commercial shoot or ate a bunch of chocolates off of a speeding conveyer belt.
Today, my wife and I watched the episode where Lucy found out she was pregnant. No, Lucy didn't run out of the house screaming. She planned to break the news to her husband Ricky the way she had always imagined, in a comfortable, romantic and private setting. Of course, all of her plans fall apart and she is forced to go to Ricky's nightclub, hide in the audience and secretly request a song for a woman who wants to tell her husband that they are having a baby.

That husband is Ricky and in a classic comedy moment, hey yells 'It's me! It's me!' It's a cute moment and I hate to admit that I got a little teary eyed. (Don't tell my wife. I told her I had something in my eye.) This led to me trying (and failing) to do my best Ricky Ricardo impression. I sounded more like Janosz Poha, the Peter MacNicol character from Ghostbusters II. "Oh, Dana you're going to have the baby for Vigo!"

If life were a television show, my horrible impression would have been spot on and I would have received a riotous round of canned applause and laughter. Instead my wife just told me to stop the bad Ricky Ricardo or I'll be sleeping on the couch. I regret choosing the couch option.

Blast From the Past: July 28th, 2010

A rose by any other name is still a rose...unless it's not..

Baby names. It seems like parents to be always bat them around before finally coming to a name that they both love. At least that's how it was for my wife and I...about a year ago before the baby factory even started production. You see, we talked about hypothetical baby names before we planned to have a child.

We're both weird that way, I guess. If you know me, you know that I am hardly serious about anything. The initial baby names I proposed were no exception. If it the baby was to be a boy: Thaddeus (As in Thaddeus 'Thunderbolt' Ross from the Incredible Hulk comic books) Mortimer, Gomez (As in Addams), and of course, Kal EL. If the baby were to be a girl: Scarlett (From G.I. Joe not gone with the wind), Lynda (As in Carter) Magdellena (From the comic book about the warrior nun) of course, none of these names were really my serious canidates. For the longest time, my wife and I shot baby names at one another, just as a game, when we finally came across two that we loved. Bowie (As in David Bowie) Francisco Castro-Miller for a boy and Luna Catalina (As in Catalina Castro, the grandma to-be. See, I mentioned you!) for a girl.

Those were the names we chose before we even knew the baby was on his or her way. We love those names. So of course, there are others who would disagree. Others who shall remain nameless. You know who you are! One of my grandmothers had a hard time with Bowie and thought I said Bow Tie or Bootie. The standard reaction from most of my family was: Oh, that's....interesting. Since when did interesting become code for 'I really hate what you just proposed, I find it vile and stupid'?
So, as an alternative to people who disapprove of the names we have selected, I have come up with an alternative name. This name is uni-sex and can be used for either a boy or a girl. Ottoman Lampshade Nightinggale Castro-Miller. See, doesn't it have a ring to it?

Blast From the Past: Also from July 12th 2010

Other People's Children...

Sometimes you experience things that make you just want to shake your fist vigerously in the air like that cranky old man that screams "Damn kids, git offa my freshly mowed lawn!" (Even though the lawn has long since dried up and you are no longer a kid, but a 29 year old who continues to cut through his yard because it's much quicker than walking all the way around the block) My wife, Mercy and I had such a fist shaking experience yesterday, and like all things chaotic and mayhem related, it involved Shrek.

A few years ago, I discovered the wonder of the magical, two dollar theater. Ever since then we have tried to watch all of our theatrical released films at this budget wonderland. Yesterday, we decided to take the extended family out to see Shrek the fourty third or whatever the last film was called. Our crew was kind of like the characters in the magnificent seven. Only there were six of us, counting the unborn future baby. There was me, Ryan the renegade leader with no desire to pay Twenty two dollars for movie popcorn, My wife who now has super senses thanks to her pregnancy. She can smell fake popcorn butter two miles before we even enter the theater. There was my brother Joey, visiting from Chico who has the ability to find two crumpled up dollar bills in any pair of pants he is wearing (Which makes him a god at the two dollar theater!) There was my brother in law Matthew with all the powers and abilities of a teenage boy and of course, there was my little sister with the power to be in the fantasy land of unicorns and pixies every waking second of her life.
So, our motley crew arrived at the movie theater, ready to see our money's worth of a movie that had been running in theaters for about a month. We nestled into our seats and began enjoying ourselves as the movie started. Then it happened. A family of chatterboxes and yuppie wannabes descended on the ciniplex like popcorn starved locusts, talking loudly as they approached the seats behind us. Thus it began.

Through most of the film, the snottiest of snot nosed little boys decided to wage war against everyone, including his weak willed servant of a father. This exchange actually happened. FATHER: "Here's your soda, son." BRAT: "This is Mountain Dew! I don't want Mountain dew, dad!" There was a moment of silence. Then.... BRAT: "Dad! Can I speak to you for just a second! I don't want Mountain dew!" In front of us there was a little child, probably no older than three who was really loving the movie. He was laughing and carrying on like three year olds do. Levity and laughter was not approved by the snot nosed Brat. The little brat continued to shhh at the three year old, while he was complaining to his weak father about his poor soda choice. Even the father tried to quiet his annoying son, but his weak attempts were futile. The three year old laughed and said EWWWWW after Shrek and Fiona kissed. Everyone in the theater thought that was hillarious. Everyone but the brat who Shushed him loudly. I had enough!

I turned back and tried to see the brat in the dark, but I couldn't make him out and I said: "Hey, he's just a little kid, he's having fun, chill out." Then there was silence. Glorious, splendid silence. Then suddenly: "Dad, I really hate Mountain Dew!" Other people's kids suck.

Blast From the Past: July 12 2010

As we walk through the valley of the shadow of future baby, I can't help but think about all of the influences my child will soon be subject to. The aforementoned horrors of the Cyrus Virus, The Ga Ga ca ca, any movie starring an Efron or a Pattinson, all things from modern Nickelodeon and modern Disney, and pretty much all things contemporary. All of these sub par forms of entertainment will assault our poor little innocent child much like they assaulted our slightly jaded, mildly cynical brains. (Okay, I was being modest. I am very fraking cynical! Yup, I said Frak. Battlestar fans in the house...er..blog!)

At this point, I should warn you, I may risk sounding like a grumpy old man, but frak it, pop culture is just not as cool as it used to be! Back in our day ('our' day being the era of children who grew up in the 80's and early '90s, back before Sesame Street became the Elmo show) pop culture was not just entertaining, it was informative. Look at G.I. Joe for example, not only was it fun to see the evil Cobra goons get clobbered by a bunch of soldiers that thought having a sailor with a talking parrot and William 'refrigerator' Perry on their team was benificial, the show also served a real purpose. As part of some glorious form of action community service, the G.I. Joe episodes always featured segments where some dumbass kids almost kill themselves during acts of stupidity, only to be shown the light by the Joes. "Now I know never to rub bacon on my crotch and go streaking through the bear habitat at the zoo, Mr. Shipwreck!" "And knowing is half the battle, Billy. Seriously though, put some damn clothes on!" Cartoons of today are rubish! Pure rubish!

They even ruined Star Wars! No true Star Wars fan would dare to watch the pile of crap that is the Star Wars: Clone Wars cartoon. Blasphemy Lucas! Blasphemy! It's bad enough you made the Jumper guy Vader, but you had to unleash this steaming pile on us? Bleach! Obviously, I could go on for days and days about this subject. I find it very concerning. I can't change the outside world. My solution? We are going to surround ourselves with enough vintage toys, classic music and television shows that we convince our child that we are living in the past. 1995 at the latest. I have even decided to make the Toyota Corrola look like a Back to the future inspired time machine. Everytime we venture into the world outside of our safe and secure time bubble, we will convince our child that we have traveled into the future.

Am I being ridiculous, probably, but if anyone reading this is about to be a mother or father, know this...it will happen to you too!

Blast from the Past: July 11th 2010

Every week for my family and I is a busy week. My wife and I both work, my little sister is enrolled in summer school and at the end of the day we all meet at the house and run around babbling like lunatics about our own respective days. Wednesday was by far the most memorable day this week. We saw our first baby pictures! YAY! Okay, keep in mind that the baby is incredibly small at this point, but to actually see the little person inside my wife is simply fascinating. The ultrasound just adds a whole new depth of reality to the pregnancy. There is a freaking little person sharing my wife's body!!!!
Of course, we were both astounded, and the doctor had to bring us back down to reality. It seems that as we go on this path for the very first time, we meet people who are jaded by being on this same path for a very long time. Our doctor was a stinky sucking poopeyed buttnose. (Keep in mind, while I can have salty language in person, I am really trying to edit this blog into a family friendly experience) Now, I realize that most OBGYNs see a billion and one pregnant ladies and go through the motions, but I imagine these very same seasoned doctors understand that this is an exciting experience for the families they are serving. This doctor hardly cared. For all she was concerned, this visit was something as mundane as changing the oil on her car. The problem of course was that she was treating my wife as the car rather than a beautiful, life giving goddess. Needless to say we have changed doctors.
Regardless of the poop sniffing fish faced lint sniffer doctor we were still excited to see the little picture of our tiny, tiny baby. Of course, the baby doesn't really look like a baby right now. More like a small gummyi bear with a beating heart. Seeing the baby's beating heart was amazing!
baby's first picturegummy bear
Compare and contrast. Can you tell which picture is the baby and which is the gummi bear? This trip that we are on is amazing and while we may encounter some jaded and annoying forces of darkness, only one thing matters: We are having a baby...or a gummi bear and our hearts could not be filled with any more love or happiness.

Blast from the past: July 3rd

I knew that having a baby takes time. It's a nine month process, anyone who has ever had a sex ed class or watched that horrible Hugh Grant movie knows that. What they fail to tell you is how long it takes to get to the fun parts of pregnancy. Sure, my wife gets all the nausea and sick feelings, but what do I get?

At this point in the stage I can touch her stomach and pretend I feel something, but it's too soon in the game for that. "Oh, babe! I felt the baby's heart beat!" "No, that's my heart beat!" And so on, etcetera. The real waiting game is seeing the doctor. Everything from Look who's talking with a pregnant Kirstie Alley to Juno with a pregnant Ellen Page and Junior with a pregnant Arnold Governator has taught us (Well me, anyway) that as soon as you find out you are pregnant you are magically beamed away to a nice happy doctor who whips out the ultrasound laser beam spock gun and shows you a picture of your baby smiling contently for the camera in a weird, see-through fashion. (Remember the creepy fetus puppet they used in look who's talking too and Rosanne was the baby's voice....uh...me neither.) Well, it doesn't quite happen that way.

For real people, like my wife Mercy and I we are first given an appointment to see the doctor on Monday, June 29th. Only to check the calander and find out that there is no Monday, June 29th. So we wait another day to see the doctor. Tuesday rolls around and we happily approach the doctor's visit with glee and anticipation. But, we do not see the doctor. We see a nurse with a check list. A check list with questions we had already answered. Answers that were already on file in the computer. So, after re-answering the same questions and getting snooty replies by a tired and snooty nurse who has had to deal with a thousand pregnant ladies that day, we are given another apointment for the ultrasound. One week later. As for our first doctor's appointment....one week after that! So now, we anxiously await our baby's first pictures on July 7th. Movie characters have it easy, they don't have to wait for anything.

Blast from the past: June 23rd 2010

It is now officially the fourth day of my impending fatherhood and I still cannot believe it! Everytime I sit next to my wife, I do that cheap move where I pretend to yawn and then I stretch out my arms, but instead of attempting to cop a feel, I am trying to reach for her belly, hoping to feel something other than the gurgle of the fruit and oatmeal that she had for breakfast. Right now she just smiles at me whenever I do this, but I know that before to long I am going to be missing a hand if I keep this up. I am very fearful of the day when Mercy buys a scimitar on ebay.
Yesterday after we both had returned from work, Mercy initiated the stage that I call impending Mommy Madness. Mommy Madness starts subtle enough. It begins with the phrase "I have a person growing inside me!". This phrase is usually followed up with something like "We have created life! Can you believe that? Weird!" In a matter of seconds this is followed by a barrage of "Can I..." questions. Such as "Can I still eat popcorn?" So as the two of us sat at the dining room table, I was multi-tasking on the laptop, writing, reading comic book reviews and watching weird videos on youtube. (Did you know Richard Pryor had a kids show called Pryor's Place? We're talking about the same Richard Pryor who had a crack pipe blow up on him! Someone gave him a kid's show!)

Of course none of my internet use was the least bit baby related, but that lasted 3.4 seconds with the following question. "Can I still eat chocolate?" So, a quick internet search proved that yes, pregnant women can eat chocolate. The sources (Probably OBGYNs at both Hershey University and the prestigious M&M Academy of the Sciences) claim that the occasional chocolate treat can be benificial to the pregnant woman, it even helps prevent high blood pressure. http://voices.washingtonpost.com/checkup/2008/05/bad_news_for_pregnant_women_ea.html
So now I am safe to continue my meaningless internet use, right? Wrongo, buddy. "Can I still eat peanut butter? Can you please check Google. I want to know if I can still have a PB&J." So I stopped reading comic book legends revealed http://goodcomics.comicbookresources.com/2005/06/23/comic-book-urban-legends-revealed-history/ and began an exhaustive two second search on the effects of peanut butter and peanut butter accessories on pregnant women. Oh, George Washington Carver would have been ashamed. http://www.webmd.com/baby/news/20080714/nutty-diet-in-pregnancy-asthma-risk It seems that pregnant women cannot have daily doses of nut related nutty nuts and nut like nut foods. A daily dose of peanuts and other nuts can actually increase the likelihood of asthma by a whopping %50 percent! My wife, who is very fond of her PB&Js and Reese's Peanut Butter cups was not at all amused by this news. After this slight round of baby related internet searches, I continued to absorb all the comic book related geek stuff I could. I took my eyes off of the screen for a second and saw my wife staring at me. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Oh, just looking at Golden Age public domain super heroes. I want to use some of these old characters in the novel." I said. She sighed loudly. "Can you..." I froze the moment in my mind. "Can you..." questions were the second stage of Mommy Madness. It had only been three days and we were already in stage two! "Can you look up pregnancy related movies on netflix for me?" I just smiled and quietly began scouring netflix for movies on the subject. Man, there are a lot of pregnancy related documentaries and movies. A lot! My search lasted a moment before my wife shoved me aside and began searching for herself. "You know, when we are together you should be spending your time researching baby related topics. You can write your novel when you are alone or when I am sleeping, okay?" She said with a coy smile. I still am not sure if she was being sarcastic or if that was a genuine request. Now that she is in the grips of Mommy Madness, how can I ever be sure again?

Now please excuse me, I have to do an internet search to see if my wife can still eat the avocados that she loves so much. http://www.avocado.org.au/mothersgroup/mothers_health.aspx (The answer is yes, by the way. Avocados contain folic acid which is very important in a pregnant woman's diet!) Wow, now I have Mommy Madness!

Blast from the past: post from June 22 2010

What the pee-stick said....

I found out on father's day...I am a father. Here was the scenerio, I woke up as my wife, Mercedes headed into the bathroom with the robotic, digital super computo, error free pregnancy test. My response was to roll over and emit a groggy gurgle and nod my head. I promptly fell asleep only to be woken up by my wife holding the super computo pee-stick inches away from my face. Her beautiful brown eyes lit up with both fear and excitement. "Happy Father's Day!" She said with a smile. I shot out of bed wearing nothing but my superman boxers (Yup, my wife is a lucky woman). "Whaaaa?" I said in a stupor. We spent the rest of the morning soaking in the amazing new truth...we were about to have a baby.
  
Since Mercedes and I have been raising my eleven year old sister, Michelea for the past year, we are not completly new to the whole parenting game, however the fact that we had created life, a child all our own is an insane concept for both of us to comprehend. How is it possible for this little character to grow inside her stomach and emerge 9 months later looking like a composite of both of us?
So, most of the day involved the two of us waiting for the right moment to tell everyone and holding the secret in as long as we possibly could....that lasted about six hours.

  After looking at each other and giggling nervously for most of the day, we just couldn't handle it. So, at the father's day BBQ held by Mercy's step father, Diego we decided to let the baby out of the bag. Mercy was convinced that her mother was going to leap over the table, grab a toothpick from the cheese tray and stab us both in the neck until we were dead. I convinced her that she could kill me on grounds of temporary insanity, but no jury would be forgive a woman who killed her own pregnant daughter.

Instead of murdering us with table top impliments, Cathy just stared at us....and stared....and stared some more. "So, what do you think, mom?" Mercy asked. Cathy pushed her jaw closed and smiled. "Well, I am just waiting for one of you to say 'just kidding'..." So after talking about baby names with the new grandparents to be, we headed home, wondering when we should tell the rest of our family and friends. Facebook and grandma to be beat us to it. After hours of phone calls and tucking Michelea in bed, we ended Father's day the way we started it...staring at the ceilining. "Holy crap, we're going to have a baby!" quietly I began to think to myself....Now that we're having a kid, can I still act like one...just a little?

Potty in the USA...

I've never thought I would ever care about the bathroom business of another living creature. Now that we have a baby in our lives it seems that potty talk is commonly at the forefront of our conversations. When Luna was first born it was sort of a gamble on what you were going to find in her diaper. That's something they don't tell you in the "So you're changing your lives for ever and having a kid" manual. Newborn poop is a scatological secret agent. It can sneak up on you without any sign but a grunty face and the occasional smile. No smell, just a subtle grunt. I would often find myself playing Poop roulette and crossing my fingers when change time came. After a while you become a poop face expert and you can just look at the baby's expressions and you know that the next few moments of your life are going to be gross. I usually would keep tabs on when I last changed a poop diaper. When a bomb dropped and it was not my turn to deal with the fecal explosion I would pass the baby over to Mercy like she was a football and I'd run to the other room and do a secret end zone victory dance.
Now a new parent milestone is happening and I am weirdly excited by it. Luna's godmother, Johanna bought her a tiny potty (which looks sort of like a toilet that you would find Frodo using in the shire) and we have begun potty training. The cool thing about having a small toilet is that it is totally portable. Why answer nature's call in the hot, stuffy bathroom when you can take it to the comfort of your living room and watch some Sesame Street. Babies have no idea how easy they have it. Yesterday Luna actually used her potty. It was a monumental moment...for the grown ups, mostly. I clapped and cheered which really made Luna think she was some kind of celebrity. After the clean up she strutted around the house saying "YAAAY POOP!" Johanna demanded photographic evidence of the deed, so I found myself taking a picture on my phone. Some people (my wife, Nina Johanna and Nino Gerry) enjoyed the photo. Others (Abuelita Cathy, Grandpa Russell-No relation-) thought the mere idea of photographing poo is disgusting and an afront to photographers everywhere. I should mention to my dad that I am getting him a poop of the month photo calander for Christmas.

The event was topped off by Luna's first movie theater experience, Madagascar 3 at the $3 theater in Pasadena. We spare no expense for the potty princess! She loved the movie, so did the fourteen year old who sang to the katy perry soundtrack...and sang...and sang...and sang some more. So the great potty experiment has begun...now if Mercy can just train me to use the litter box we will be all set.
Next up: Nerd alert: Is the Avengers Assemble comic worth your money?

Toddler Dance Party! Plus: Animal Man/Swamp Thing!

Keep in mind I was never a party animal. I wasn't even a party manimal. Saturday nights were pretty mellow. At most when I was single I would go and get a beer with friends and listen to some music at some risky looking dive bar. The type of place that has secret organ transplants going on in the bathroom. You all have been there and if you haven't you know someone who has. When my wife and I got together we would hop around to functions with friends, parties, bars, party bars, rooster fights. We wouldn't go nuts, but the weekends were lively. Now they are livelier...just in a different way.
Last night I was trying to wear the baby out and get her exhausted just in time for bed. Usually this would involve running around on the grass and ingesting benidryl, but once Mercy caught on I was no longer allowed into the medicine cabinet. I think she laces my drinks with benidryl though. It was too hot to go outside.
So we cranked up the music and danced. It started with Michael Jackson's "Don't stop 'till you get enough". You all know the video, Michael is wearing what looks like a waiter's outfit from some kind of steak and seafood establishment and he starts dancing behind a background of giant falling disco ice cubes. We followed this up by "Billie Jean" which features my all time favorite music video scene. Michael throws a homeless guy a magical glowing coin and suddenly he's wearing a magic suit...hopefully he is magically rich or employed, otherwise he would just be a well dressed homeless man. If Michael were president his economic plan would be "Let's just give all the poor in the world magical Billie Jean coins and they will all be sharply dressed and confused...wooohooo...moonwalk away..."
Now when Luna dances it is quite the sight to see. She begins kicking her feet and shuffling from left to right like she is being chased by a horde of invisible bees. Then she tries to snap her fingers which looks like she is swatting at the aforementioned inviso-bees. These moves parlay into my favorite dance move of hers. She looks like someone hit her in the neck with a tranquilizer dart and she is dragging around the paralyzed side of her body. When I dance I have what my wife calls the happy leg. Only one half of me can actually stay in beat to the music and I bite my bottom lip like the music had made me hungry. Hungry enough to eat the lower half of my mouth. There is more of a grace to Luna's insane dance, a grace that she must have inherited from her mother because I am hamfisted at best. Look for her next year on "So you think you can dance".
Comic Book Review: Animal Man # 12 and Swamp Thing # 12
For those of you who don't read the comic book related tidbits of my blog should just pass on this one too, because it is about to get nerdy. Well, nerdier than usual. If you are a comic book fan than you know that last year DC comics dropped an atomic bomb on their universe and started everything from scratch...sort of. All of the super heroes have only been operating for five years, but ten or twenty years worth of their adventures have supposedly occurred within that very short span. For Batman that makes him an extremely lousy team player because he is on his fourth Robin. The first one quit and became Nightwing, The second one died and came back as the Red Hood, the third one quit and became Red Robin and serves delicious burgers with the endless basket of french fries and the fourth one is his illegitimate son who was trained to be an assassin by his nihilistic mother. And all that happened in five years. Goody, DC you made everything so much easier for a casual fan to understand!
Animal Man and the Swamp Thing are DC characters who have always inhabited the darker, edgier corner of the DC universe, they both have had very cool, bizarre adventures that have stretched the bounds of what you can do in a comic book. But this is the first time they have ever teamed up before. For the past year both heroes have been fighting their own battles with a mysterious force known as the rot. Animal Man is connected to all living, breathing creatures and can channel all of their attributes. Need to fly, just use the powers of an eagle, need to fun fast...bam! Cheetah power activate. He doesn't turn into the animal, he just has their talents. As this series progressed, we learned that he is connected to the Red, a mysterious dimension that ties all living creatures together. Likewise, Swamp Thing is the plant equivalent of Animal Man. He controls all plant matter on Earth. Which might sound weak until you see him hardening his hands into giant thorns and cutting off the heads of the Rot's zombie hordes. In case you haven't guessed, the Rot represents all the dead and decaying facets of the Earth. It is championed by Swamp Thing's arch foe Anton Arcane, who is now a creepy super corpse. Animal Man and Swamp Thing 12 both tie into each other, weaving the first part of the massive Rot World crossover. So far, the story and art is very impressive and both creative teams blend together well. This is how a crossover should happen, it is seamless and builds a world that is far more interesting than most of the settings we have seen so far in the New 52. Each character has their own shining moment....for Animal Man it is going to the rot dimension without powers and still kicking butt. For Swamp Thing it is being a regal, warrior who hides the fact that he is in over his head. There is a cool revelation from Anton Arcane and the two parter ends with both characters being separated and thrown into a post apocalyptic future in which the Rot has won the battle. The two issue story is a perfect segue for anyone who has not been following the series. 10/10 Tranquilized dancing babies

The wild and wacky world of toddler tube....

When you become a parent you soon find that you do things that you swore you would never do. "I'll never wear sweat pants to the groccery store!" or "I vow to never collapse in exhaustion and fall asleep before 9:45!" Years ago, before children, I swore that we would be a non-Elmo household. Sesame Street was a huge influence on my childhood, but that was back when Cookie Monster was a junk food junkie who would never dream of eating a veggie and Big Bird was the only person on the entire show who was capable of noticing a massive wooly mammoth. After the rise of Elmo those other poor Muppets were just shoved aside to make room. Elmo proved that his red menace was much more influential that that of the Cold-War days of the Soviet Union. Elmo has infiltrated American pop culture to the point that every toddler knows and worships him, if he were a furry Stalin, we would all be drinking vodka and speaking Russian.
elmostalin

“In Soviet Russia, Elmo tickles you!”


When my daughter crossed the threshold from infant to toddler, we started watching Sesame Street and of course, she really loved Elmo. I tried to turn her toward Oscar the Grouch or Big Bird, even the godforsaken Super Grover 2.0 (Why the upgrade? Regular Super Grover was just fine...can you be regular and super at the same time?) It was no use, she could not get enough of Elmo and his squeaky voice. I fell to my knees and cursed the crimson furry one's name. He was the Khan to my Kirk, but with some guy's hand up his bum.

khan

“Try it and I'll kill you!


One day my wife and I watched the Being Elmo documentary about the life of Elmo actor Kevin Clash and I finally got it. Kevin Clash created a character that speaks directly to the kids, he is tailor made for the preschooler. Elmo himself is a toddler that they can relate to. He may be made of the same material as my wife's bathrobe, but he is a toddler nonetheless. And if your child has a television Muppet to talk to, they will spend less time talking to you...and isn't that what we all want? So we all grew to like Elmo but then came the weird shows. Our local PBS station KCET dropped their PBS affiliation because...well I guess they were sick of Mr. Rogers and Bob Ross droppin' the sick remixed beats that have been popping up on Youtube.

Whatever the reason the station no longer shows all the PBS staples and in their place are some crazy attempts at children's programing. Netflix has also offered some fine examples of seizure inducing toddler tube. Let's look at few examples.

Raggs: An anthropomorphic band of dogs who teach children all about sharing and manners and other things that dogs have no business knowing about.

raggs

"Hello, I Drink From the toilet!"

Parent Watchability: 5/10. The show over all can be too sweet and too preachy, but my little daughter loves it. Parents might like the songs that the dogs sing that actually have no lesson or moral at all. They are just catchy pop songs sung by dogs. It's like the creators of the show just bought all the rights to unused songs from obscure 80s bands...possibly Toto.

Robert and Ribbert's Wonderworld: The show bills itself as the only show you can ride. But this is not six flags. It's not even half flag. It is the world's most boring roller coaster that makes stops at different locked stages where "performers" sing, dance, draw and tell stories all about some secret word that Ribbert the talking, poorly animated frog is trying to uncover.

ribert

"This frog will go great with some french fries!"

Parent Watchability: 2/10. This show is just bad. It's not fun, even in an ironic sense. Sesame street crafts parodies of grown up shows because they know parents are watching with their kids. This show gives us Robert, a character who may or may have not appeared on Dateline: To catch a predetor. The only upside is I think Robert may one day fry Ribbert up and eat his legs.

Color Crew: This is a netflix pick and it is only 3 minutes long, making it the best thing on this list.

color crew

"Our DVDs are 20 bucks a pop...we only really care about Green!"

Parent watchability: 10/10. The show is actually funny...you know for a show about living crayons who do nothing but scream their own name and color a black and white landscape. The crayons kind of remind me of Terrance and Phillip from South Park, Their mouths just float above the bottom halves of their bodies and they hover around in a weird manner. The creators knew that grown ups would find this bizarrely entertaining. A magic, omnipotent derby hat chooses the crayon of the day, they flip out and cheer like they just won the olympic gold medal for being a living crayon and then they are off with a partner to breath color into a stark, black and white world. Green colors all the frogs of the world green while screaming his name. "GREEEEEEN!" Then his partner orange shivers in terror as green colors a basketball. He freaks out and whistles for a grumpy old eraser who fixes his errors. Only when he erases something is he truely happy. It's very existential, like a Werner Herzog preschooler cartoon.

Well, that's all for now. Next time: more family madness and Swamp Thing meets Animal Man in the Rotworld cross-over.

What's wrong with floor food? Plus...1990s comics are back!

A note: The last time I wrote anything was waaaay back when I found out my beautiful wife Mercy was pregnant with our first child. She told me on father's day of 2010, having raised my sister, I was already a father and now we were ushering a new life into the world. I was so excited and had wonderful ambitions of writing about my experience. I wrote about ten blog entries before the baby came and...well it has been a year and a half and later. The only reason I am able to write this now is that I am an insomniac and everyone else is asleep. When that baby is awake, we are on the clock. My format for this new blog is to give you all a little story and update on the family and then include a comic book and pop culture review, rant or rave. I may occasionally write a movie review, but seeing a movie outside the house is almost unfathomable...the most recent movie I watched was the Usual Suspects...1995! So as you can see when it comes to movies, I am a little behind the times...

It's good to write again...enjoy!


There was a time when I could walk into the kitchen without fear of stepping on anything, let alone a slobbered on handful of Kix. Before I became the father of a one and a half year old I never even thought about such an occurrence. Mind you, being the eldest of five and raising my 13 year old sister with my wife, I have watched my fair share of little people (By whom I mean children, not little people like the stars of many of the shows on TLC).

It's one thing to step on slobber snacks in a friends house, in that case you are probably wearing shoes. The scenario in your own house is a little different. First of all, on a casual day, shoes are optional...so are pants for that matter (Sorry for that thought). So I often find myself cruising to the fridge for a little late night snack in the dark and then smoooosh, My bare feet squashes a slobbery paste of what was once Kix cereal. And suddenly an x-files episode unfolds. Why is this cereal there? What purpose does it serve? Is the government involved? Is it really Bigfoot droppings? No, my little baby Luna decided that the cereal she was munching on later in the day would be safer in the kitchen...in the middle of the floor....next to an unopened can of chili she was using as a makeshift drum. The funniest thing about being a parent is that you start to notice all the somewhat disgusting things kids do...and you are completely okay with it. If a grown person decided that they were going to stuff a whole handful of blueberries in their face and try to open mouth kiss you in the same exact second the police would probably be involved. If it is your child you embrace the grossness of the moment. There are plenty of gross and adorable moments to come and I can't wait!

Comic Book Review:

Title: Bloodshot Issue 1 Publisher: Valiant Creative Team: Duane Swierczynski, Manuel Garcia and Arturo Lozzi

Valiant was a major competitor for Marvel and DC back in the early to mid 1990s. Their stable of down to earth, somewhat realistic characters made them one of the most popular comic book companies at the time. Their books like Harbinger and Bloodshot would often outsell big guns like Superman and Spider-man. Now nearly 20 years later, Valiant is back with a new relaunch that debuted with X-O Manowar and Harbinger. The newest book is Bloodshot. I must say that I am very surprised at how much I enjoyed this book.

Bloodshot issue one starts out with a stereotypical scene in which our hero, known only as Ray is ordered into battle by his military superiors and promises his family that he will return safely. At first, the build up is just like any other generic action movie. However, we soon learn that nothing about "Ray" is what it seems. He is killed by page 8 only to regeneate as we learn that "Ray" is a living weapon working for a black-ops group called Project Rising Spirit. Codenamed Bloodshot, he is kept alive by microscopic nanite computers that course through his bloodstream. As Bloodshot kills and is killed by his handler's enemies, his life as "Ray" begins to unravel. What is real? Who can he trust? Is his name even Ray? Maybe, it's Tim or Jerry, or maybe like the original series his true name is Angelo Mortalli. Whatever secrets may hide in Bloodshot's past, this book is a fun ride. Once you get past the set up the book is more exciting than most action films and reads like the Bourne Identity with a Sci-Fi twist. Similar to Wolverine's Weapon X days, but more immersed in the military thriller genre, Bloodshot leaves you guessing and hungry for more. All in all the writing is smooth and the art is appealing and compliments the action. I can't wait to see what else this series has in store.
RATING: 4/5 Slobber covered cereal pieces.