Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Don't you forget about me: Marvel Movies if they were made in the 80s

A few months ago I found this video...It's a look at the Amazing Spider Man as envisioned by director Wes Anderson.
Yes, it would be weird to see a Rushmore-esque Peter Parker in a Royal Tenenbaums style landscape, but it would be a cool departure from the paint by numbers Hollywood formula that we are so used to.  I started thinking about how cool it would be to see Marvel movies from other directors in other eras.  What would the world be like if we had an Iron Man movie in the 1980s?  Who would play Tony Stark?  So, let's dive into....1980s Marvel Movies

First off, when we sit down in the theater to watch our Marvel movies now, we get this stylized logo...





In the 1980s, this is the logo we would see on screen before our movie started....

For anyone who ever watched the Muppet Babies in the 80s, you remember that terrifying looking Spider-Man emerging out of the black abyss, turning silver and looking like he's going to eat your brain.  

Iron Man
 Billionaire industrialist Tony Stark is in Afghanistan on a covert mission to help arm Afghan rebels fight the Soviets.  Stark's convoy is attacked by Soviet soldiers.  He survives, but is badly wounded.  The Soviet soldiers force Stark to make weapons for them.  With the aide of another prisoner, Nobel prize winning Chinese physicist  Ho Yinsen, Stark is able to keep himself alive and builds an amazing suit of armor.  He is able to free himself, yet Ho Yinsen dies in the escape attempt.  From that point on, Tony Stark becomes Iron Man.  The Soviets send in their own armored hero, the Crimson Dynamo and the two have a spectacular battle above Moscow and in the streets of New York City.  (Since this is set during the 1980s cold war era, we can also include the Black Widow as a Russian spy, turned defector.)
     Cast:  Harrison Ford as Tony Stark/Iron Man (1980s cred: Blade Runner, Raiders of the Lost Ark), Sigourney Weaver as Natasha Romanov/ The Black Widow (80s cred: Ghostbusters, Aliens, That Gorilla movie where she plays Diane Fossey), Danny Glover as Jim Rhodes (80s cred: Lethal Weapon, The Color Purple where he plays a real bastard, that creepy Ice Man movie that scared me when I was a kid) Rutger Hauer as Crimson Dynamo (80s cred: The Hitcher, Blade Runner, Ladyhawke...He was one scary bastard in all these movies.)
     Director:  Ridley Scott.
Reasons Why:  Ridley Scott could do gritty, real world influenced Sci-Fi like no one else in the 1980s.  Blade Runner is a fine example.  Harrison Ford has was Han Solo and Indiana Jones...that's all you need to know!  He can play the dashing, funny, arrogant type that Tony Stark personifies.  Visually, Harrison Ford does not look like Tony Stark at all, especially the 80s Tom Selleck-y mustache and mullet Tony Stark.  However, Ford has all the swagger to make him a believable Tony Stark of his era.  Sigourney Weaver has shown in the Alien movies that she is a kick ass action star worthy of the Black Widow role.  Danny Glover proved in the Lethal Weapon movies that he is the level headed partner that every crazy hero needs.  Finally, While Rutger Hauer isn't Russian, he's proven that he is great at accents and has the intensity it takes to play a sinister Cold War era villain.  This would have been the blockbuster action film of 1986!

Spider-Man
 High School outcast Peter Parker is bitten by a radioactive spider during a field trip to a research lab.  He's imbued with amazing powers which he immediatly uses to make money as a masked wrestler.  During a pros versus schmoes type challenge, Peter fights Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant, beating both men and taking home a big cash prize.  He lets a robber escape, resulting in the shooting death of his beloved Uncle Ben.  Peter learns to use his powers for good and becomes Spider-Man.  He tracks down his Uncle's killer only to learn it was the man he let escape.  Peter soon comes head to head with the yuppie industrialist turned super villain Norman Osborn/The Green Goblin.
Cast:  John Cusack as Peter Parker/Spider-Man. (80s cred:  One Crazy Summer, Say Anything, Better Off Dead) Molly Ringwald as Mary Jane Watson. (80s cred: Are you kidding me?  She was Miss Thang back in the 80s!  Sixteen Candles, Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink) Judd Nelson as Harry Osborn (80s cred:  The best 80s angst ridden bad boy-Bender in Breakfast Club.) Micheal Douglas as Norman Osborn/Green Goblin (80s cred:  Jewel of the Nile, Fatal Attraction, Wall Street)
Director: John Hughes
Reasons why:  John Hughes was the go to director when you wanted some angst ridden teen drama that was also clever, quirky and down right funny.  He also proved that he could write and direct science fiction tinged movies with Weird Science.  He would have been perfect to bring the 80s Spider Man to life.  John Cusack can play the everyman like no one else.  He would bring Peter's super hero struggle to life in a fun and exciting way.  Molly Ringwald is a good actress when given the chance.  She has the looks to play Mary Jane and she can out act Kirsten Dunst any day of the week.  Judd Nelson could be a funny, friendly best friend to Peter while at the same time hiding a sinister dark side.  Micheal Douglas is the epitome of 80s yuppie bad guy, he could bring his Gordon Gecko style sleaze to make Norman Osborne a classy threat to Peter and the gang.

Captain America
Steve Rogers, a puny yet wildly patriotic young man volunteers to undergo an experiment in that would turn him into America's super soldier and help win WWII.  The young man becomes Captain America and helps battle Hitler's army of strange and powerful super villains like Red Skull, Arnim Zola and Baron Zemo.  During a battle with the Red Skull, Cap defuses a missile headed for New York in mid air.  The missile self destructs over the Atlantic Ocean and Cap falls into the icy water.  Presumed dead, Captain America is remembered as a hero and his image was used to bolster morale and win the war.  Captain America's living frozen body is discovered by Tony Stark (Harrison Ford) while on an expedition.  Stark uses his state of the art tech to revive Cap.  With the aide of S.H.E.I.L.D commander Nick Fury, Cap is brought back into the modern world, only to find that the Red Skull is still alive and living large in New York City under a new identity.
Director:  Stanley Kubrick.
Cast:  Matthew Modine as Steve Rogers/Captain America (80s cred: Full Metal Jacket and.....ugh Married to the Mob.) Christopher Walken as The Red Skull (80s cred: View to a Kill, Deer Hunter, Pennies from Heaven) Kurt Russell as Nick Fury (80s cred: Big trouble little china, Escape from New York, Overboard...and beyond movies he's been Goldie Hawn's dude for like 30 years, that's cool.)

Reasons Why:  Stanley Kubrick directed one of the most dramatic, stylish war films ever made and made amazing achievements in the world of psychological horror with the Shining.  This pedigree alone would make him a really interesting choice to direct America's super soldier.  Imagine the detail and effort Kubrick would put in both the 1940s era and the "modern day" of the 1980s.  This would be eye candy and still have people talking about it and dissecting every frame.  Matthew Modine is an actor that is really hit or miss with me, when he's bad...he's really bad.  When he's great, he knocks it out of the park.  Case in point, Full Metal Jacket.  Pump Modine up a little more, give him a straight laced character like Steve Rogers and you'll have a Captain America to remember.  Kurt Russell would be a fun Nick Fury.  Since this movie is in the 80s, we wouldn't have the Samuel L. Jackson inspired Nick Fury...Plus, no one really knew of Samuel L. Jackson in the 80s, at that point he was still starting out.  The 80s Nick Fury was a grim, somewhat immortal former WWII Sargent who  no leads a covert military group known as S.H.I.E.L.D  A character like that needs a manly actor, who's more manly than Kurt Russell?

Incredible Hulk


A brilliant, obsessed scientist, Bruce Banner is experimenting on Gamma radiation for the US government in a race against the Russians (It's the 80s, the Russians are the villain in every movie.) Looking to get results faster, the Russians sabotage Banner's work and he's caught in an explosion.  The world thinks he's dead, but the U.S. government and the Kremlin both know he has become the Hulk.  The KGB hire A.I.M, an evil brain trust to help capture the Hulk and they send out MODOK to do the job.
Director:  Chris Columbus.   
Cast:  Jeff Goldblum as Bruce Banner.  Special effects puppetry as the Hulk.  General Thunderbolt Ross:  James Cromwell.  Betty Ross:  Phoebe Cates  The Leader:  Val Kilmer. MODOK: Anne Ramsey
Reasons Why:  As a writer Chris Columbus was a guiding force behind the Goonies and the Gremlins and as a director he gave us...two Home Alone movies.  Those weren't that bad, right.  The first one is funny.  Jeff Goldblum is the best geek the 80s and early 90s had.  He would be amazing as Bruce Banner.  Phoebe Cates was an 80s sex symbol ever since Fast Times at Ridgemont High...and she was in the Gremlins.  Cromwell had a long 80s history of playing military jerks so he would fit in great as Thunderbolt Ross, plus he always looked like an old guy...always.  Val Kilmer proved he could be a genius in...Real Genius (ugh) so here he would play the younger, more sinister version of The Leader, Hulks classic enemy.  Anne Ramsey, the creepy old woman from the Goonies and Throw Mamma from the train has the perfect face to be MODOK, A.I.Ms deadliest creation.
     Can't you just see her floating around menacing Bruce Banner..."Come to MODOK Slothy!"
 
 I could go on with these, but I'll spare you.  Who would you cast in 80s Marvel movies?  What about DC...outside of Superman and Batman, of course. 

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

The Sticker Price


Who in the world would ever think that they were entitled to a reward when ever they went to the bathroom? Toddlers would, that's who. The mini people of the world ages 1-3 think they need a reward for just about anything. “Pick up the blocks and you'll get a juice box! Drink your juice and you can play with the blocks. Stop kicking the cat and you'll get blocks and a juice box!” That's just what my wife has to say to motivate me, and we don't even have a cat. I like Hi-C, what can I say? By the way, I don't think Hi-C counts as juice in any way, shape or form. Does anybody remember Hi-C Ecto-Cooler? It had Slimer on the box and was a delicious blend of artificial fruit flavoring and Ectoplasm.


That undead taste you can't
resist!!
                                                           
Unlike me, our toddler won't just work for pedestrian rewards like juice boxes. No, she needs stickers, the currency of the toddler universe. Much like how boxes of cigarettes are used to barter for goods and services in the prison system, stickers have a strong amount of buying power in the toddler world. Have you ever seen a toddler stab another toddler with a makeshift rattle shank for a sheet of Tinkerbell stickers? I haven't. If you have, you live in a dark and horrible world.
 
"If I miss one second of Yo-Gabba-Gabba
I will kill you all!"
 
     Like almost anyone with a child, we are no strangers to the doctor's office. Those visits didn't go too well at first. Stuff went down, bad stuff. Screaming, gnashing of teeth, rending of limbs...that was just me in the waiting room after I found out they updated Goofus and Gallant in Highlights magazine. It got to the point that anytime the toddler would see anyone in a white lab coat, she would cry. Lab techs, specialists, even good old Doc Brown from Back to the Future. Luckily, these genius medical professionals know how the toddler brain works. After each visit she would get to pick two stickers and all would be well. Now, she rolls up her sleeves and is ready to have half her blood drawn, just as long as she gets that Hello Kitty sticker. A few days ago she tripped over the sprinkler head in our front yard and started to cry. I went to comfort her and she said “I hurt leg...need doctor, get sticker.” Yes, future medical students, you will go to school for 7 years, work your butts off and still be known as sticker peddlers to the toddler community. Welcome to the world of an average parent.

Now that potty training is in full effect I feel like some kind of black market, seedy sticker dealer. “Hey toddler, you want a My little pony riding a T-Rex on Sesame Street sticker? All you got to do is make with the poo!” That's all it takes now. Potty training has been a constant headache, but now that we started a Pee and Poo sticker chart, it's her favorite thing on the planet. Who wouldn't love to get a reward for something you do multiple times a day, every day until you die? If my wife were to get a bunch of Marvel Stickers from the dollar tree, maybe I would stop leaving my clothes on the bathroom floor. Don't judge, we all need a little extra motivation from time to time. It's either Marvel stickers or a pizza party.