Don't you forget about me: Marvel Movies if they were made in the 80s

A few months ago I found this video...It's a look at the Amazing Spider Man as envisioned by director Wes Anderson.

Yes, it would be weird to see a Rushmore-esque Peter Parker in a Royal Tenenbaums style landscape, but it would be a cool departure from the paint by numbers Hollywood formula that we are so used to.  I started thinking about how cool it would be to see Marvel movies from other directors in other eras.  What would the world be like if we had an Iron Man movie in the 1980s?  Who would play Tony Stark?  So, let's dive into....1980s Marvel Movies

First off, when we sit down in the theater to watch our Marvel movies now, we get this stylized logo...

In the 1980s, this is the logo we would see on screen before our movie started....

For anyone who ever watched the Muppet Babies in the 80s, you remember that terrifying looking Spider-Man emerging out of the black abyss, turning silver and looking like he's going to eat your brain.  

Iron Man

 Billionaire industrialist Tony Stark is in Afghanistan on a covert mission to help arm Afghan rebels fight the Soviets.  Stark's convoy is attacked by Soviet soldiers.  He survives, but is badly wounded.  The Soviet soldiers force Stark to make weapons for them.  With the aide of another prisoner, Nobel prize winning Chinese physicist  Ho Yinsen, Stark is able to keep himself alive and builds an amazing suit of armor.  He is able to free himself, yet Ho Yinsen dies in the escape attempt.  From that point on, Tony Stark becomes Iron Man.  The Soviets send in their own armored hero, the Crimson Dynamo and the two have a spectacular battle above Moscow and in the streets of New York City.  (Since this is set during the 1980s cold war era, we can also include the Black Widow as a Russian spy, turned defector.)

     Cast:  Harrison Ford as Tony Stark/Iron Man (1980s cred: Blade Runner, Raiders of the Lost Ark), Sigourney Weaver as Natasha Romanov/ The Black Widow (80s cred: Ghostbusters, Aliens, That Gorilla movie where she plays Diane Fossey), Danny Glover as Jim Rhodes (80s cred: Lethal Weapon, The Color Purple where he plays a real bastard, that creepy Ice Man movie that scared me when I was a kid) Rutger Hauer as Crimson Dynamo (80s cred: The Hitcher, Blade Runner, Ladyhawke...He was one scary bastard in all these movies.)

     Director:  Ridley Scott.

Reasons Why:  Ridley Scott could do gritty, real world influenced Sci-Fi like no one else in the 1980s.  Blade Runner is a fine example.  Harrison Ford has was Han Solo and Indiana Jones...that's all you need to know!  He can play the dashing, funny, arrogant type that Tony Stark personifies.  Visually, Harrison Ford does not look like Tony Stark at all, especially the 80s Tom Selleck-y mustache and mullet Tony Stark.  However, Ford has all the swagger to make him a believable Tony Stark of his era.  Sigourney Weaver has shown in the Alien movies that she is a kick ass action star worthy of the Black Widow role.  Danny Glover proved in the Lethal Weapon movies that he is the level headed partner that every crazy hero needs.  Finally, While Rutger Hauer isn't Russian, he's proven that he is great at accents and has the intensity it takes to play a sinister Cold War era villain.  This would have been the blockbuster action film of 1986!

Spider-Man

 High School outcast Peter Parker is bitten by a radioactive spider during a field trip to a research lab.  He's imbued with amazing powers which he immediatly uses to make money as a masked wrestler.  During a pros versus schmoes type challenge, Peter fights Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant, beating both men and taking home a big cash prize.  He lets a robber escape, resulting in the shooting death of his beloved Uncle Ben.  Peter learns to use his powers for good and becomes Spider-Man.  He tracks down his Uncle's killer only to learn it was the man he let escape.  Peter soon comes head to head with the yuppie industrialist turned super villain Norman Osborn/The Green Goblin.

Cast:  John Cusack as Peter Parker/Spider-Man. (80s cred:  One Crazy Summer, Say Anything, Better Off Dead) Molly Ringwald as Mary Jane Watson. (80s cred: Are you kidding me?  She was Miss Thang back in the 80s!  Sixteen Candles, Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink) Judd Nelson as Harry Osborn (80s cred:  The best 80s angst ridden bad boy-Bender in Breakfast Club.) Micheal Douglas as Norman Osborn/Green Goblin (80s cred:  Jewel of the Nile, Fatal Attraction, Wall Street)
Director: John Hughes
Reasons why:  John Hughes was the go to director when you wanted some angst ridden teen drama that was also clever, quirky and down right funny.  He also proved that he could write and direct science fiction tinged movies with Weird Science.  He would have been perfect to bring the 80s Spider Man to life.  John Cusack can play the everyman like no one else.  He would bring Peter's super hero struggle to life in a fun and exciting way.  Molly Ringwald is a good actress when given the chance.  She has the looks to play Mary Jane and she can out act Kirsten Dunst any day of the week.  Judd Nelson could be a funny, friendly best friend to Peter while at the same time hiding a sinister dark side.  Micheal Douglas is the epitome of 80s yuppie bad guy, he could bring his Gordon Gecko style sleaze to make Norman Osborne a classy threat to Peter and the gang.

Captain America

Steve Rogers, a puny yet wildly patriotic young man volunteers to undergo an experiment in that would turn him into America's super soldier and help win WWII.  The young man becomes Captain America and helps battle Hitler's army of strange and powerful super villains like Red Skull, Arnim Zola and Baron Zemo.  During a battle with the Red Skull, Cap defuses a missile headed for New York in mid air.  The missile self destructs over the Atlantic Ocean and Cap falls into the icy water.  Presumed dead, Captain America is remembered as a hero and his image was used to bolster morale and win the war.  Captain America's living frozen body is discovered by Tony Stark (Harrison Ford) while on an expedition.  Stark uses his state of the art tech to revive Cap.  With the aide of S.H.E.I.L.D commander Nick Fury, Cap is brought back into the modern world, only to find that the Red Skull is still alive and living large in New York City under a new identity.

Director:  Stanley Kubrick.
Cast:  Matthew Modine as Steve Rogers/Captain America (80s cred: Full Metal Jacket and.....ugh Married to the Mob.) Christopher Walken as The Red Skull (80s cred: View to a Kill, Deer Hunter, Pennies from Heaven) Kurt Russell as Nick Fury (80s cred: Big trouble little china, Escape from New York, Overboard...and beyond movies he's been Goldie Hawn's dude for like 30 years, that's cool.)

Reasons Why:  Stanley Kubrick directed one of the most dramatic, stylish war films ever made and made amazing achievements in the world of psychological horror with the Shining.  This pedigree alone would make him a really interesting choice to direct America's super soldier.  Imagine the detail and effort Kubrick would put in both the 1940s era and the "modern day" of the 1980s.  This would be eye candy and still have people talking about it and dissecting every frame.  Matthew Modine is an actor that is really hit or miss with me, when he's bad...he's really bad.  When he's great, he knocks it out of the park.  Case in point, Full Metal Jacket.  Pump Modine up a little more, give him a straight laced character like Steve Rogers and you'll have a Captain America to remember.  Kurt Russell would be a fun Nick Fury.  Since this movie is in the 80s, we wouldn't have the Samuel L. Jackson inspired Nick Fury...Plus, no one really knew of Samuel L. Jackson in the 80s, at that point he was still starting out.  The 80s Nick Fury was a grim, somewhat immortal former WWII Sargent who  no leads a covert military group known as S.H.I.E.L.D  A character like that needs a manly actor, who's more manly than Kurt Russell?

Incredible Hulk





A brilliant, obsessed scientist, Bruce Banner is experimenting on Gamma radiation for the US government in a race against the Russians (It's the 80s, the Russians are the villain in every movie.) Looking to get results faster, the Russians sabotage Banner's work and he's caught in an explosion.  The world thinks he's dead, but the U.S. government and the Kremlin both know he has become the Hulk.  The KGB hire A.I.M, an evil brain trust to help capture the Hulk and they send out MODOK to do the job.
Director:  Chris Columbus.   
Cast:  Jeff Goldblum as Bruce Banner.  Special effects puppetry as the Hulk.  General Thunderbolt Ross:  James Cromwell.  Betty Ross:  Phoebe Cates  The Leader:  Val Kilmer. MODOK: Anne Ramsey
Reasons Why:  As a writer Chris Columbus was a guiding force behind the Goonies and the Gremlins and as a director he gave us...two Home Alone movies.  Those weren't that bad, right.  The first one is funny.  Jeff Goldblum is the best geek the 80s and early 90s had.  He would be amazing as Bruce Banner.  Phoebe Cates was an 80s sex symbol ever since Fast Times at Ridgemont High...and she was in the Gremlins.  Cromwell had a long 80s history of playing military jerks so he would fit in great as Thunderbolt Ross, plus he always looked like an old guy...always.  Val Kilmer proved he could be a genius in...Real Genius (ugh) so here he would play the younger, more sinister version of The Leader, Hulks classic enemy.  Anne Ramsey, the creepy old woman from the Goonies and Throw Mamma from the train has the perfect face to be MODOK, A.I.Ms deadliest creation.

     Can't you just see her floating around menacing Bruce Banner..."Come to MODOK Slothy!"
 

 I could go on with these, but I'll spare you.  Who would you cast in 80s Marvel movies?  What about DC...outside of Superman and Batman, of course. 

The Sticker Price

Who in the world would ever think that they were entitled to a reward when ever they went to the bathroom? Toddlers would, that's who. The mini people of the world ages 1-3 think they need a reward for just about anything. “Pick up the blocks and you'll get a juice box! Drink your juice and you can play with the blocks. Stop kicking the cat and you'll get blocks and a juice box!” That's just what my wife has to say to motivate me, and we don't even have a cat. I like Hi-C, what can I say? By the way, I don't think Hi-C counts as juice in any way, shape or form. Does anybody remember Hi-C Ecto-Cooler? It had Slimer on the box and was a delicious blend of artificial fruit flavoring and Ectoplasm.

That undead taste you can't

resist!!

                                                           

Unlike me, our toddler won't just work for pedestrian rewards like juice boxes. No, she needs stickers, the currency of the toddler universe. Much like how boxes of cigarettes are used to barter for goods and services in the prison system, stickers have a strong amount of buying power in the toddler world. Have you ever seen a toddler stab another toddler with a makeshift rattle shank for a sheet of Tinkerbell stickers? I haven't. If you have, you live in a dark and horrible world.

 

"If I miss one second of Yo-Gabba-Gabba

I will kill you all!"

 

     Like almost anyone with a child, we are no strangers to the doctor's office. Those visits didn't go too well at first. Stuff went down, bad stuff. Screaming, gnashing of teeth, rending of limbs...that was just me in the waiting room after I found out they updated Goofus and Gallant in Highlights magazine. It got to the point that anytime the toddler would see anyone in a white lab coat, she would cry. Lab techs, specialists, even good old Doc Brown from Back to the Future. Luckily, these genius medical professionals know how the toddler brain works. After each visit she would get to pick two stickers and all would be well. Now, she rolls up her sleeves and is ready to have half her blood drawn, just as long as she gets that Hello Kitty sticker. A few days ago she tripped over the sprinkler head in our front yard and started to cry. I went to comfort her and she said “I hurt leg...need doctor, get sticker.” Yes, future medical students, you will go to school for 7 years, work your butts off and still be known as sticker peddlers to the toddler community. Welcome to the world of an average parent.

Now that potty training is in full effect I feel like some kind of black market, seedy sticker dealer. “Hey toddler, you want a My little pony riding a T-Rex on Sesame Street sticker? All you got to do is make with the poo!” That's all it takes now. Potty training has been a constant headache, but now that we started a Pee and Poo sticker chart, it's her favorite thing on the planet. Who wouldn't love to get a reward for something you do multiple times a day, every day until you die? If my wife were to get a bunch of Marvel Stickers from the dollar tree, maybe I would stop leaving my clothes on the bathroom floor. Don't judge, we all need a little extra motivation from time to time. It's either Marvel stickers or a pizza party.

Toddler Birthday parties don't need to suck!

      I rarely get psyched about toddler birthday parties.  Why would I?  I'm never allowed to hit the pinata anymore, I am banned from the bounce house and a certain birthday cowboy has a restraining order against me after I got his horse drunk and rode him through the rose parade while wearing a nacho hat.  I don't even get a goodie bag anymore!  Okay, some of that may have been fictional, the truth is as our toddler's birthday rapidly approaches, I am really excited.  This is going to be one kick ass Mickey Mouse party.  Besides the draw that giant anthropomorphic vermin generally bring, there are important reasons to be excited about this particular party. 

     For those of you who do not know, our toddler was born with a werido condition called Laryngomalacia.  Click the link for the full details, but the short of it is that Luna had to undergo surgery at 2-months old.  It was during this time that we learned that she also had a small tear in her trachea.  We were told that this tear wouldn't heal until she was 3.  Our idea was to hold a big birthday bash for her 3rd birthday.  From that point on up until this last summer we were frequent guests at the Ear, Nose and Throat specialist.  Then after her second surgery (This time she had tonsil surgery) we learned that the tear in the trachea was no longer a threat and we no longer had to go to the ENT.  So the big birthday bash comes one year early!
      Luna is a big fan of Mickey Mouse and his friends.  She knows the songs, dances the hot dog dance and is even a member of the Disneyilluminati.  Well, not the full fledged Disneyilluminati, but the toddler chapter.  So, my wife with her amazing Mother powers was able to whip up all of the props and goodies to make this a great Mickey Mouse party.  I even got in on the planning and started whipping up our party playlist.  We've got all the greats in there....The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse theme, the Hot Dog song, Mickey Mouse Club theme from the 50s and even Frank Zappa's rare Seventy minute "Mickey Battles the Phantom Blot" album that only exists in my imagination.  
     My wife Mercy has even guilt tripped her brother into being Mickey Mouse....if he doesn't do it, Tinker Bell will die!  If you don't have a toddler, you may think this is the lamest party in the world, I may have joined you a few years ago.  Now, it's a whole new ball game, I can't wait to beat all the 1-4 year olds at pin the nose on Mickey...yes, that's a real game.  I may even invent some sort of toddler tackle football game where everyone wears those giant white Mickey gloves...maybe next year.  Now if you'll excuse me I have to find a hiding place for all the goodie bags I'm going to pilfer.    

Titles, names and silly games.

Two year olds are funny people.  They are pure, they have no phony airs about themselves at all.  A two year old doesn't have to lie to kick it.  (That's what my homies back in the hood used to say....the hood being the small cow town in Northern California I grew up in.) My two year old daughter, like most two year olds is pretty much running on basic needs and wants 99% of the time.  If she needs/want's food, you'll know.  If she needs/wants to be changed, you'll know.  If she needs/wants love, you'll know. If she needs/wants a piece of chocolate she saw her Pop-Pop sneaking out of his closet, not only will you know, but the neighbors will know because she will throw herself on the ground and act as if she was just shot in the leg with a poisonous blow dart.  As an aside, yes I had chocolate hidden in my closet.  It was a birthday chocolate from my Mother in Law and I didn't want the temptation of keeping it out in the open...but, since I was the one who hid it from myself, I made the mistake of telling myself where I hid my own chocolate and I would occasionally steal pieces from myself.  The last I checked my secret chocolate hideaway, there was a short note of apology written on the empty package that read:  From myself to me...I ate your chocolate, get over it you fat pig....enclosed is ten bucks to buy more chocolate.
     Toddlers are mostly all need based.  What they seem to need beyond the basic nurturing is constant attention, attention that I don't always give her.  I'm not saying I don't watch my toddler and just let her walk outside and hot wire cars or anything like that.  I love to watch my daughter, I watch almost everything she does when I can, the problem is she wants more than that.  There are times when toddlers seem to want their every action celebrated like they are reality television stars.  It's like narrating a nature documentary.  "The wild Luna has risen from her slumber with her hair all askew.  She has managed to strip off her pajamas and has removed her soaking wet diaper.  Adept with tools, the wild Luna now swings the diaper, hitting her father in the face."  Of course, there are those other moments when she's being sneaky and trying to eat a penny she somehow materialized from thin air, or encase herself in a roll of toilet paper she confiscated from the bathroom.  Seriously though, I know that attention and encouragement is a very important need that should be embraced.  That's why I play with the toddler when I get home.  My wife and I now lead a life that is much like a tag team wrestling match.  My wife spends the whole day with the toddler, nurturing her, teaching her lesson, and being a great mom.  I appear, tag my wife and run around the house screaming like a loon.  She likes when I make capes for the both of us and we play super hero, using pillows as cars and flinging them across the city/hallway.  Now that Luna is much more verbal, she likes to play games that involve each of us saying our own scripted lines. By scripted lines, I mean things I say off the top of my head and things she screams from the top of her lungs. Yesterday, I had to open the bedroom door, shaker her hand and say "It's nice to meet you."  Yeah, I know she didn't tell me to do that...she's two.  But for some reason she found it all hilarious.  So, Luna's part in the game was to slam the door in my face while saying, “Good bye Ryan.” Then she would double over in laughter. She knows that she is not supposed to call me that, and it brings her joy to ignore the title of “Pop-Pop” and call me Ryan during a silly game. Yeah, I know it's my name, but she didn't need to know that!
I tried to re-direct her. “My name is Pop-Pop.” That wouldn't work. She would just shut the door and say “Bye Ryan.” and laugh and laugh. So, I tried it again. Same result. The third and fourth times also had the same results. Finally after the fifth time of me saying.... “My name is Pop-Pop!” She laughed and said, “Bye Pop-Pop...Ryan!” Toddlers aren't the only people who thrive on basic needs. I need my toddler to stop calling me Ryan, but I'll take what I can get.

American Horror Story: Asylum...A plate of crow for me!

I was so wrong about American Horror Story: Asylum!  The ending was nothing that I predicted in an earlier blog post.  Remember...if you haven't seen the show yet...there are spoilers in this post.

Kit Walker, fresh off of losing his love Grace to his other love, Alma whom chopped her up with an ax last week will go back to Briar Cliff after finding Sister Jude there.  I think Kit will confront Monsignor, now Cardinal Timothy Howard.  My thought is that this confrontation will reveal that Timothy is somehow behind the alien shenanigans because he himself is an alien hybrid.  This works because we have seen how fast Timothy healed after being nailed to the cross several episodes ago...we also know he was very interested in Kit and Grace's baby and he may have orchestrated Kit being brought to Briar Cliff in the first place.

Man was I really wrong about that one!  The writers sort of abandoned the whole alien portion of the story.  Yes, we do see a final image of a terminally ill Kit Walker being taken away by the extraterrestrials, but that's all we get.  As for Timothy Howard...I was dead wrong.  He was nothing more than a corrupt church official and he ended his own life rather than face the music about the abuses at Briar Cliff.  

Sister Jude, now just a crazy lady in the asylum will help Kit defeat the now exposed Timothy and they will lock him in the bowls of the Asylum.  I think the immortal, half alien Timothy will be the creature who ripped off Adam Levine's arm in the first episode. 

We learn early on in the last episode that it is the Modern Day Bloody face that chops Adam Levine's arm off.  He was all hopped up on Meth and just happened to be touring the building, using his mother's audio book as a guide.  When the horror tourists came in...he chopped away.  Although, we never learn who the other bloody face imposters were.  It was hinted that they were some sort of bloody face devoted murder cult...but no back story is given.

Lana Winters will confront her son, the modern day bloody face and he will kill her.  She lets him kill her, believing that she caused his killing spree by abandoning him.

I was wrong about that too!  That final scene was a great twist and for me it made up for an otherwise lack luster final episode.  

You may disagree with my analysis, but one thing is certain, it was an overall great show that provided a lot of thrills.  The directing was superb.  I am hoping that Ryan Murphy will be able to get Brian DePalma to direct a few episodes during Season 3....which I predict focusing on the Salem Witch trials...probably set in the modern day, but with ramifications from past events.  I could be wrong, since I am eating a big pile of crow now for my past predictions.  At least I don't bet on sports.

I choo-choo-choose you!

Okay, anyone who knows me knows that I love to write, and not just this blog, either.  When I have time...which I don't...I am working on a short story collection.  Each story is set in the same interconnected, cohesive universe, meaning characters, organizations, beings and events will cross over.  The stories are mostly Sci-Fi and horror, with comedy thrown in for good measure.  I would like help with choosing which story to write first.  Once I write that first story, then I can get the proverbial ball rolling...wherever proverbial balls roll to.

Here are your candidates to choose from.  These aren't going to be the only stories in the book, by any means, but these are the ones that I have developed the most at this point.

Please choose a favorite and let me know!

The strangers at the door-

Randy Wells is a teenage boy who comes home after school to find that his room has been taken over by his mother's drug addicted new friends. Randy's mother, strung out on meth, kicks him out of the house and he is forced to live with his senile old grandmother. Walking around his small town at night, Randy saves an apparent homeless man from being burned to death by classmates from his high school. Feeling sorry for the man, Randy secretly houses him in his grandmother's garden shed, bringing him food and helping him regain his health. Soon, the man reveals that he is an immortal blood drinking creature named Gorlock. The eternal creature offers to kill anyone who has ever wronged the boy. When Randy finally learns that the creature's past isn't too different from his own, he is forced to rethink the offer or see his morality fade away.

Arbor Mortis-
Two friends, David and Alex are separated during a High School field trip in the woods and each find ancient, mystic trees.  David finds a metal orb from Arbor Viate, the tree of life, while Alex finds one from the evil Arbor Mortis, the tree of death.  The two keep their secret from one another, but their friendship becomes strained once they compete for the same girl, Nova Powaqa.  Now rivals, the two try to one up each other to win her affections.  To make matters worse, an ogre type creature begins to stalk High School Students.  When the truth about the ogre is revealed, what the boys do next will make or break their longtime friendship.

The last days of Miss Fortune-

Euela Mae Frizzelle and her husband Floyd once wowed audiences with their magic and variety act at their Chinese dinner theater, the Miss Fortune.  When her friends and neighbors begin disappearing, Euela contemplates selling the dinner theater to the weird art dealer next door.  Before she can decide to sell, Euela begins to see her husband's ghost and finds herself embroiled in an adventure involving monsters, otherworldly assassins, a washed up spiritualist detective and a pulp magazine villain.

Tropeolis-

A bustling metropolis where corruption reigns supreme, Gridley is a city in dire need of heroes.  That's why the Trope Stones appeared.  These mysterious stone tablets appear anywhere in the city, transforming seemingly random people into living comic book characters.  When the city's top hero is framed for the corrupt mayor's murder, a homeless man becomes the powerful King Samson and begins a crusade to rid the city of corruption.  When the darkness of the city weighs on him, Samson's faith is tested and his powers begin to fade.

Thank you!  There is more blog to come too...comic reviews and more than enough family madness to write seven million posts about!

Sunday Morning weirdness and an AHS: Asylum prediction...

Good morning, blog-o-sphere-landia.  It's Sunday and do I get to sleep in?  NO!  I have to go to work in a little bit.  YAY!  EMPLOYMENT!  Look, I am really happy I have two jobs, there are many people who have much less.  So, to get pumped up for work I was looking for a quick musical inspiration on Youtube.  So, I went to my usual source...weird Noel Fielding material.

Yes, it's a weird dance song about a Utopian society based on the concept of Mash potatoes and their use as a sustainable source of building materials.  Plus...there is one creepy ass clown with a bowl on his head and hands in his stomach.  GOOD MORNING!  
Creepy clowns lead to creepy night creatures.  I went from Noel Fielding's Luxury Comedy to his work on the Mighty Boosh and found the Hitcher song.

Yes, it's all a weird bit of fun to crank you up on a Sunday.  Cockney Nut job is my favorite lyric ever.

So on to the American Horror Story: Asylum Prediction....

If you've seen the show, you know that next Wednesday is the final episode. If you have not seen the show, but want to, don't read on...there be spoilers ahead...Here is how I think it is going to break down....

Kit Walker, fresh off of losing his love Grace to his other love, Alma whom chopped her up with an ax last week will go back to Briar Cliff after finding Sister Jude there.  I think Kit will confront Monsignor, now Cardinal Timothy Howard.  My thought is that this confrontation will reveal that Timothy is somehow behind the alien shenanigans because he himself is an alien hybrid.  This works because we have seen how fast Timothy healed after being nailed to the cross several episodes ago...we also know he was very interested in Kit and Grace's baby and he may have orchestrated Kit being brought to Briar Cliff in the first place.

Sister Jude, now just a crazy lady in the asylum will help Kit defeat the now exposed Timothy and they will lock him in the bowls of the Asylum.  I think the immortal, half alien Timothy will be the creature who ripped off Adam Levine's arm in the first episode. 

Lana Winters will confront her son, the modern day bloody face and he will kill her.  She lets him kill her, believing that she caused his killing spree by abandoning him. 

That's just my theory, it might go in a completely different direction, but if I get one of those points right, I will scream, I TOLD YOU SO!

The saber light and the red bee show.

Okay, I am far from a car person.  Ask anyone.  I haven't changed oil in a car since I was 20 years old.  After that, I just figured paying someone to do it is much easier than doing it myself.  If I had to rely on myself to change the oil, it would sit so long in the oil filter that it would somehow revert back to the dinosaur fossils from whence it came.  A miniature Jurassic park would break out in the bottom of my car and a tiny T-Rex would eat a tiny lawyer as he sits on a tiny little toilet.  Nobody wants that.  Well, one day as my wife and I were walking around a shopping center waiting for the toddler's Nina (That's her Godmother, whom she calls Nana, sometimes it sounds like banana, sometimes it sounds like she's saying Nena, of 99 luftballoons fame.) I was compelled to stop by Autozone.  I'm not sure why.  This was like some kind of escape..."Must get away from Sally's Beauty supply...help me Autozone Kenobi, you're my only hope..."
    Once I step inside of any auto parts store, I immediately feel like some kind of interloper spying on a hidden society that I will never understand.  I wander around and I can feel the eyes of the usual denizens of the zone of auto staring at me.  "Can I help you, sir?" actually translates to..."Are you sure you're in the right place...there aren't any comic books here." As an aside, what comics would Auto Zone carry?

 

"Featuring Clint Curtis" Well, why didn't you say so?

I bet Batman could kick the crap out of Clint Curtis,

no matter how fast he could rebuild an engine. Look at

him, he's evil, I bet he has a meth lab in that garage!

While in auto zone, I stumbled upon a flashlight.  Yeah, I know that doesn't sound cool at all.  Ohhh, a flameless torch!  What wonders doth the 21st century hold!  Well, when I saw this flashlight I was in geek heaven.  Leave it to me to find the only nerd-ish item in the super serious shrine to testosterone.  

                                              Okay, what does this look like to you?  Look closer,

                                              think geekier!

      Yeah, that's right!  I found the lightsaber flashlight! sure, it doesn't look exactly like a lightsaber and it is far from being official, but it's pretty damn cool.  Not only is this light a flashlight, it has a crazy red laser pointer on it too!  It's like having a really small, non-lethal beam of energy. 

Beyond looking like a lightsaber hilt, the other joy of the flashlight (which my wife refers to as..."That stupid ass, annoying flashlight") is that the baby loves to chase the red laser beam.  She calls it the red bee and runs around the house trying to "Squash it!"  The other night, she chased the laser down the hall, through the living room and to the television.  I decided to project the beam onto the black TV screen.  I said, look it's the red bee show.  For whatever reason, this was the most terrifying concept the baby has ever encountered.  She began trembling and crying..."No red bee show!  No red bee show!"  A little while later, she went to bed.  Later that night, she woke up and I put her in bed with us.  She began crying "No red bee show!"  Yes, my stupid ass flashlight scared the hell out of the baby.  Now it's in semi-retirement.  Autozone, you win.  You may have sold me the awesome Star-Wars flashlight, but it was obviously from the dark side of the force. 
              

 

The myth and magic of the $3 theater

There are people out there in the world who can go and watch a movie...any movie they want.  I'm not talking about a movie on netflix or from the red box at the grocery store.  I'm not even talking about those poor desperate souls that have to watch a massively edited, commercial laden movie from years ago on television (Usually a weird channel like "This TV" will show some random movie like Project X--the Matthew Broderick move, not the horrible party movie--and stuff so many commercials into it that its running time is now three and a half hours.)  No, these people are able to see a new movie in a shiny, happy movie theater and stuff their faces with buttery popped corn and sip enchanted cola from silver goblets.  Believe it or not, these magical beings do walk among us as....PEOPLE WITHOUT CHILDREN!!!
    No, I'm not bitter or sad or anything of that sort.  I love being a parent.  I love everything about it.  The coolest part is that I am the pop-pop.  The secret of being dad is that you are always the fun one.  As a father, I am the one running down the hallway with the toddler, leaping from the couch to the armchair, or arranging an impromptu treasure hunt using all of my wife's costume jewelery as priceless artifacts (We have enough plush snakes, monkeys, lizards and lions to make our hallway a pretty cool forbidden temple...at least as far as a two year old is concerned.)  After goofing around and playing, I get to disappear into the abyss of work while my wife has to enforce the real rules and actually make sure our children are being well rounded individuals.  Then I get to come home and set her work back a couple months by screaming....FOOD FIGHT!....right after my wife spent hours teaching the toddler about table manners.       Yes, being a father is awesome.  I just miss first run movies.  Now our movie destination is the magical, mythical, quasi-illegal $3 movie theater.  Yes, the movies are months old, the popcorn and hotdogs both taste like old Keds, and there is a mysterious, almost sentient odor that stalks theater 1, but god bless the folks that created a cheap, almost empty place a family can go to see a movie on a screen bigger than a laptop.  On my birthday we finally saw Wreck it Ralph...amazing movie.  Every single one of us loved the movie.  It was quirky and clever for the adults with a lot of funny cameos, the teenager liked the plot and the smart mouthed Vanelope character, and the toddler loved the crazy visuals.  The toddler loved the whole movie so much that she kept yelling "I wreck it!" on the car ride home.  She even did a deep voice, trying her best to mimic the movie.  On that car ride home, I realized that I'd rather eat Ked like hotdogs and step on sticky floors and even fight a living odor beast--if that's what it takes to be with my family and have a shared experience.  I may not be sipping enchanted cola out of a black licorice straw, but I'm still living a blessed life. 

Hold them close

With the risk of sounding preachy or mushy, or however this post may sound, like most people I was devastated by the news of last Friday.  I don't need to go into details, you all should know the story by now, nor will I go into any political or religious debate.  All I have to say is that yet again we have seen another side of the face of evil and the horrors it has inflicted upon our most innocent.  My heart and prayers go out to the victims and their families.  If you have children, you couldn't help but hold them close and hold them tight.  Tomorrow as we all go back to school and work and try to live our normal lives, please keep the people of Newtown, Connecticut in your heart.  Nothing anyone can say or do will ever truly help them heal from these wounds, but as a Nation and a people, we must put our opinions and differences aside and show real solidarity.    

Marvel Now! More rants and reviews...

    Before I begin, I would like to dedicate this post to my friends Will Griffin and Ana Moscoso who are celebrating their impending nuptials.  Congratulations!   I know you two will have a very happy, comic book filled life together. And another thanks to Will for letting me read A+X at your place after your engagement celebration party!

    A few more books have released since I last posted a review, so this is catch up time!  Since the publishers, Marvel included love flooding the market, all of these books are still available at your local shops.  If not, your shop really needs to get on the ball.  Most shops will be fairly well stocked.  Before we dive back into the world of Marvel Now!, has anyone noticed that this new initiative is really molding the Marvel line to resemble the Marvel Movieverse?  The comic book Tony Stark is acting much more like the movie version.  Pepper Potts went from being Iron Woman wanna-be (During Matt Fraction's really bad run on the Iron Man franchise) to the headstrong business woman she is in the movies.  Thor is embracing more of his Asgardian side (Which will be heavily featured in the Thor sequel).  And most telling of all, the once Movieverse exclusive S.H.I.E.L.D Agent Phil Coulson is now part of the regular Marvel Universe.    
      Not only have they introduced Coulson in the horrible Battle Scars mini-series (Again, written by Matt Fraction, whom I will talk more about at length), but the Marvel powers that be have introduced Phil's good friend, Nick Fury II.  This Nick Fury happens to be the son of the original Marvel Nick Fury and a lookalike for the movie version of Nick Fury.  Perhaps the movies will reveal the Samuel L. Jackson Nick Fury has a father who is a dead ringer for the original, grizzled old WWII Fury.  I would actually like to see that as long as the "golden age" fury isn't played by this guy....

                                                   
                                                  It looks like even Hasselhoff is running
                                                  away from the giant turd of a movie.

I was thinking about putting a clip of this movie for all to witness, but I am not that cruel.....or am I...
 
                                     
This is David Hasselhoff singing Culture Club's "Do you really want to hurt me?" to scenes of his own horrific movie.  View it at your own risk.                

Moving as far away from that as I possibly can....

Review time...

Once again, here is our MARVEL NOW! scale:  Marvel Amazing! = A special designation for one book on the list.  This is my favorite book so far.  Read more to find out which book I'm talking about. Marvel Wow! = A must read, can't miss book. Marvel Now! = A good read Marvel Maybe! = Not bad, not great Marvel No! = Don't read this crap! Marvel Never = A special designation for one book on the list.  This is the worst book!

 FF # 1:  This is the companion title to Fantastic Four and features the team of subs whom will be filling in four the original Fantastic Four as they travel time and space in search of a cure for their unstable molecules.  With what was sure to be awesome art from Mike Allred of Madman fame, I was really excited to read this book.  The sad thing is that the barely serviceable script by Matt Fraction gave Allred very few cool moments.  Seeing a rag tag group of super heroes as the Fantastic Four fill ins should be a fun experience.  This story was just boring and took far too much exposition.  I really didn't like Fraction's Fantastic Four and for some reason I like this a lot less.  If you just look at the art it is almost enjoyable.  Maybe next issue Fraction will actually give Allred something cool to draw.  MARVEL NO!

IRON MAN #2 and #3:

Okay, these books are on a twice a month schedule, a fact that had originally escaped me.  Before I knew it, both books were released.  If you read my review on Iron Man # 1 then you know that I really liked it.  It was one of the best new issues to come out.  I really wish I could say the same for Issues # 2 and # 3.  Issue one gave us a really cool build up that presented Tony Stark with a dangerous new mission, retrieve the Extremis techno virus from a group of radicals and avenge his friend's murder.  That concept alone could lend itself to a large storyline of action, intrigue and adventure that would take Tony all over the world fighting new and old villains alike, all who are utilizing the Extremis threat.  Issues 2 and 3 give us a very bare bones, watered down version of that.  Instead of chapters in a larger story, these are essentially small, self contained stories that feature the lives of other people who have come across Iron man and the Extremis threat.  Of course these stories do tie in to the story as a whole, but the flow just doesn't work.  The art is very detailed and executed in both issues.  I really like the concept of Issue 2 and the megalomaniacs who are obsessed with melding Tony Stark's Iron Man concepts with the legend of Camelot and King Arthur.  The armor designs are very enjoyable, as are the small glimpses of characterization we get, but there is just not enough to really enjoy the book and see it as a continuation of the excellent first issue.  The same can be said for Issue 3.  The redesign of old Iron Man foes is well done, but there is just no meat to the story.  The "villain" is a repentant drug lord who has purchased the Extremis virus for a very noble and personal cause.  His story is perhaps the strongest aspect of the issue and we see far too little of it.  I hope future issues can be as strong and innovative as Issue #1 was.  MARVEL MAYBE!

DEADPOOL # 2 and #3

Like Iron Man, Deadpool is released twice a month.  This is still a really fun book that I can get behind and endorse.  It has no real substance or baring to the Marvel Universe as a whole, it is just a guilty pleasure meant for sheer enjoyment.  It is very graphic and violent, but that is what has made Deadpool such a fun character in the past.  As Deadpool readies himself for war against the zombie presidents, he finds an ally in the ghost of Benjamin Franklin.  This is the book to check out for a very well crafted brain break.  Put the continuity arguments aside and just read it.  MARVEL NOW!

ALL NEW X-MEN # 2 and #3

I really didn't care that much for the first issue of All New X-Men.  As much as I liked the art and the initial concept, there was just a flat, lifeless quality to the overall issue.  Issue 2 really picked up the ball and ran with it.  While I still think Beast was acting way out of character by deciding time travel was a good idea, issue 2 explains his motivations even further when we learn that he is apparently dying.  It is very logical that a desperate man (or beast) would try something illogical to achieve peace of mind.  The characterization of the Original X-men team is picture perfect and it is fun to see how powerful the past version of Jean Grey is becoming in our time.  This second issue is a vast improvement.  MARVEL NOW! (For issue 2)
Issue 3 on the other hand is quite a let down.  The issue primarily features Cyclops and his team of revolutionaries, a team that seems incredibly rudderless.  They spend the issue bickering as their powers spiral out of control.  The cause for this loss of control is explained away as being a result of coming into contact with the Phoenix force.  Magneto's power fluctuations are lumped in to this coverall explanation, even though he wasn't possessed by the force, he just fought people who were.  And then there is the horrible character of Magik  (The sinister magic wielding sister of Colossus).  I never liked Magik, she was always a poorly written character whom I could never feel anything for.  She's even worse here.  The fact that her powers don't seem to be bothered by the fact that she was once possessed by the Phoenix force make me like her even less.  Maybe she is being built up to be the master manipulator here.  It would make more sense if she was the one messing with everyone's powers and changing Cyclops' attitude.   The only hope of this issue is that it builds up a confrontation between the classic X-Men and Cyclops' revolutionaries.  Next issue should be a lot better.  For now issue 3 is a...MARVEL MAYBE!

X-Men Legacy # 2:  I am not going to waste much time on this book...issue one was bad, issue two is worse.  This is a bad character, a bad writer and an even worse artist.  This book should never have been pitched, let alone published.  MARVEL NEVER!

 Uncanny Avengers # 2:  This is what the MARVEL NOW! movement should be about.  All of the books should be this good.  This is a pretty good team of characters facing the Red Skull, a villain who never really went after mutants at this level before.  The fact that he is a Nazi who believes in genetic cleansing makes him a perfect fit for the inaugural villain of this Avengers/X-Men merger.  The Avengers have fought him plenty of times and he is focusing on wiping mutants out.  The things he does in this issue are vile, wicked and absolutely fitting.  That is the strong point of the writing, all of these characters are working in ways you would expect...or hope.  The art is amazing, just as one would expect from John Cassaday.  If you followed his work on Planetary or Astonishing X-Men, you will see that this is a major improvement.  Not that his work was bad then, he just got a whole lot better.  As Scarlet Witch struggles with being manipulated by Red Skull and his newly found Professor X powers, Cassaday masterfully depicts her internal struggle.  Who knows how long Marvel Now! will play out, but I hope this book stays long after the relaunch fades from memory.  MARVEL WOW!

Avengers # 1:  Johnathan Hickman and Jerome Opena take over the company's flagship title by taking us in a new and somewhat unexpected direction.  The story starts out showing us glimpses of what's to come.  We quickly see the return of old heroes, new anti-heroes and a grim look at what may come.  To be honest, the book really surprised me, which is rare for a comic book to do.  We see a troubled Iron Man, questioning his place in the ever changing world and decides that the Avengers have to think bigger.  When a strange new group of self styled gods begin to terraform Earth in an attempt to create a paradise, their Eco-terrorism cost countless human lives, sending the Avengers on a mission to stop them.  We are soon left with a situation that is not unlike the classic GIANT SIZED X-MEN that gave us the New X-men team.  (Can you name them all?  Even the dead one?)  The set up is very smart and well crafted.  A new group Avengers will have their chance to shine.  The writing style is pretty straight forward, but the story does dip its toe into pleasantly weird territory.  teh issue reminds me of the excellent Grant Morrison run on the JLA.  We see standard super hero action augmented with high concept set pieces and ideas that could only see life on the comic book page.  If any of Hickman's Avengers scenes were translated into film faithfully, it could bankrupt most studios, and this is just the first issue.  The art follows the story perfectly, never taking away from the flow of ideas, presented in the script.  That was my main problem with Grant Morrison's JLA.  the stories were so High concept that they needed a detailed artist capable of letting our imaginations take flight.  Instead, we got the cartoonish, IMAGE-esque dreck churned out by Howard Porter.  Avengers does not have that problem at all.  Opena does a great job here.  The art would rival the best summer action movie.  Avengers delievers the perfect introduction into the Marvel Universe.  MARVEL AMAZING!

A + X #2:  I didn't really like the first issue of this series.  I thought the Captain America/Cable story was fun, but poorly motivated and unnecessary.  The Hulk/Wolverine story was far worse.  A+X #2 Starts off with a very cool opening story that gives us a Rouge and Black Widow crossover.  The art for the story is some of Chris Bachelo's best.  Beyond his Vertigo work, I was never that big of a fan of Bachelo.  But work like this is making me a permanent fan.  I think Bachelo needs his own ongoing book.  The follow up story is weak by comparison, but still a good read.  We see Kitty Pryde going for a job interview at Stark enterprises.  Of course, the situation gets out of hand and the alien Brood species attack.  That happens all the time when I interview for jobs.  This prompts a Kitty Pryde, Iron Man cross over.  A team up that no one would ever demand, but it was fun nonetheless.  MARVEL MAYBE!

Thunderbolts #1:  This is more of a re-imagining than a relaunch.  Other than the name, this team of Thunderbolts has nothing to do with the original team or any other incarnation.  The Red Hulk, General Thadeus "Thunderbolt" Ross travels the world, recruiting a team of specialized professionals.  That translates to...The Red Hulk recruits a team of ass-kickers to annihilate any enemy that gets in his way.  It is a very quick read, but engaging.  I can't wait to see what a team of Elektra, Punisher, Red Hulk, and Dead Pool can accomplish.  There is also the mystery woman whom I have yet to identify, but I imagine she will be a major player.  This is a very good start for fans of the edgier books.  The art by Steve Dillon is incredibly fitting given who the major players on the team are.  We don't get much of Dillon's Red Hulk, but I imagine next issue we will be treated to a very detailed, monstrous version of the character. MARVEL NOW!         

Amazing Spider-Man 698 and 699:  MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!  While these books are not actually part of the Marvel Now relaunch, they are essentially a "Road to Marvel Now" storyline.  In issue 698 Spider-Man visits a dying Doctor Octopus in prison.  The good (bad!) doctor is in really bad shape.  Artist Richard Elson depicts Doc Ock as a wrinkly, shriveled piece of dried sea food.  That's a compliment.  Elson does a great job of driving home the point that the old Spider-Man villain is really on his last days now.  It seems that Octavius knows Spider-Man's secret identity as he continues to ask for Peter Parker.  The Avengers go along with Spider-Man to the prison and the web-slinger asks to have a moment alone with his dying old foe.  That's when we learn that.....Spider-Man is Doc Ock and Peter Parker is trapped in his dying old body.
       Somehow the old villain swapped bodies with Spider-Man and plans on leaving him to die.  It's a pretty goofy plot twist.  This issue doesn't do anything other than drop the plot bomb on our laps.   The reveal by Spider-Man/Doctor Octopus wasn't all that threatening or fascinating.  In fact there are moments up to the reveal that are so uncharacteristically non Peter Parker that it sort of gives the story away, or at least made me feel that something was amiss.  How many times have we seen Peter Parker check himself out in the mirror or think about how wonderful his life is?  He is a career pessimist, that is what makes us love him.  Sith these dead giveaways, it's easy to see that something is going on.    The surprisingly dull dialogue that Slott gave Doc Spider-Man just reminded me of a Saturday Morning Cartoon villain.  "Like a good Magician I will not reveal my secrets.  You will die, never knowing how I performed my last, greatest trick."  Just add a "HAHAHAHA." to that exposition and he comes off sounding like Mo-Jo Jo-Jo from the Power Puff girls.  It also doesn't help matters that there is a big retro Doc Ock floating around Spider Octopus after the big reveal.  The whole script just seemed like something we have seen a hundred times before.  When I first read this, my initial fear was that it would be a horrible 90s style twist like the Clone Saga and we would learn that Peter Parker was Doctor Octopus for the past year or so.  I know that wouldn't make any sense since previous storylines featured Peter worrying about his secret identity being revealed because of his work for Horizon Labs.  However, the Clone Saga didn't make any sense either and they still ran with that idea for a long time.  I really liked everything Dan Slott has done with Amazing Spider-Man, but this issue was a major disappointment for me.  (MARVEL MAYBE! For issue 698)
        My disappointment didn't really last long.  699 takes the goofball plot twist that has been featured in comics ad-nauseum and really stretches it to its limits, in a surprising way.  The storyline is essentially the classic Prison Break/Great escape story, but with a comic book, science fiction twist.  Yeah, it's initially goofy but the way Slott plays around with the idea is what makes this issue so much better than the previous one.  First of all, we learn right away that this switch had just happened after the events in Spider-Man 697.  So, thankfully it wasn't like the Clone Saga.  Secondly, we don't see Doctor Octopus in Peter's body at all in this issue.  That takes his goofy gloating out of the equation.  This story is just about Peter being stripped of all of his usual resources and left to die in a seemingly inescapable prison cell.  This prison just happens to be the decrepit body of a decaying old super villain.  All Peter is left with is his brain and the thought patterns and memories of Doctor Octopus.  Slott is back to his old self in this issue by portraying a very resourceful and smart Parker who is still cracking jokes and fretting all while being in a terrible situation.  While I gave a lot of the storyline away, I wont tell you how this issue ends, but it builds toward a great finale for Amazing Spider-Man 700, which will end the series and spin off into the new Marvel Now! book, Superior Spider-Man.  MARVEL WOW!

Marvel claims that Peter Parker will no longer be Spider-Man after #700, but I just don't see that actually happening.  I have a feeling they are just using misdirection.  Perhaps Peter will assume an all new identity.  Or in a big twist we may even see the regular Marvel Universe version of Miles Morales.  For those who may have missed the Spider-Men Mini Series, the regular Marvel Universe (616) Peter Parker is taken into the Ultimate Universe by Mysterio where he discovers that his Ultimate counterpart was a teenager who died in the line of duty.  The 616 Spider-Man meets the new Ultimate Spider-Man, Miles Morales, a young super powered boy who took over the mantle.  Once the villain is defeated and our Peter Parker returns home to the 616 universe, he is intrigued at the thought of who Miles Morales is in our dimension.  So he googles him and is shocked at what he finds.  Then the story ends and we never know who the 616 Miles Morales is.  Could he eventually become the Superior Spider-Man?  It's just a wild guess.  I would actually be pleased with that outcome.  

With new issues coming out tomorrow and throughout December, January and February there will be a lot more to review and critique.  Whether you hate the new direction of Marvel Now! or  you love it, there will be plenty to talk about.

Please comment and let me know what you think about the books and my reviews. 

       

 

   
                     

Word Sponge

     As the ripe old age of two rapidly approaches for our toddler it is becoming very apparent that as parents we really need to be aware of what we say around her.  Case in point, just the other day, I was holding the toddler as I walked into her darkened room, ready to put her into her bed.  Someone (I blame the teenager, but I blame  the contemporary teen for everything...the advance of bad movies, bad music, and the overall downfall of human civilization.) left a shoe in the middle of the floor and I stepped on it, nearly falling.  The first word that came to my mouth was...a somewhat colorful four letter word for feces that rhymes with fit.  Of course, the once sleepy baby immediately perked up.  She began spouting words like water from a leaky faucet.  "Shick!  Shick!  Shick!"  At that point I corrected her and told her how to properly pronounce the word and we took turns writing it down with giant crayons on a big sheet of lined paper.
     I always thought the whole concept of foul language being associated with "Talking like a Sailor" or "Talking like a truck driver" was rather unfair.  Are these the only two vocations to be connected to cursing?  No one ever says "Luna, you're cursing like a neurosurgeon!"  or "Goodness, you have the foul mouth of Queen Elisabeth the First!"

                                                           If his mouth wasn't covered, he
                                                           would be cussing you out!

     Whatever the case, yesterday my wife met her mother and our good friend/Luna's godfather-Nino at the Golden Arches Happy Time Family Restaurant (McDonald's) for some cheap eats and quality bonding.  A massive amount of apple juice and apple slices later and Luna required her mother's master diaper changing skills.  Since the bathroom was....well a McDonald's bathroom, my wife changed the baby on the trunk of the car.  Motherhood is quite glamorous.  Sadly, once my wife saw the result of Luna's apple fest and let me tell you, it was not pretty.  I imagine it looked like the aftermath of a truck hauling melted chocolate ice cream crashing into the play-doh-fun factory (Now I can never eat chocolate ice cream or play with play-doh ever again.) all contained in a toddler diaper.  When one sees such a traumatic event, certain words just fly out of your mouth, like doves in a John Woo movie (A Woovie, if you will.) 


                                                        
                                                         From Chow Yun Fat's personal dove collection.
                                                         Come on, watch the Killer or City on Fire.

Though these aren’t dove words, these are dirty, germ infested pigeon words that peck at your very soul.  So, our toddler used them like they were just spoken from the terrycloth mouth of Elmo himself.  “Itch!  Son of Itch!  Shick!”  Yes, those are essential neurosurgeon words. 
        My wife and I have both been trying really hard to use alternative words, but there are times when you just find yourself with your guard down and the dirty pigeon words just flutter on out.  As a society we have a double standard when it comes to the edgier words in our vernacular.  We shame others and ourselves for using foul language, but most of us have that guilty pleasure of watching movies or television shows laced with obscenities.  
       Could you watch a show like Dead Wood without all the cursing, it was accurate to the times?  These weren’t scholarly people being depicted, they were rough and tumble cowboys.  Imagine if you were watching a classic Robert Dinero movie and he said “Hey, you ducky little fluffer nutter, don’t you dare threaten me with that marmalade pie!”  Would he still have his tough guy image? 
Well for one thing, I don’t need a tough guy image.  I’m not Robert Dinero…even if I look like he did after gaining all that Raging Bull weight.  I am a guy raising two daughters and I rarely hang out with Joe Pesci.  (Not since I proposed a Home Alone reunion movie.  Come on, you’d watch it!)  I need to set an example, as hard as it can be at times.  Son of Itch!

By the way...please feel free to comment on any of the posts.  I welcome all feedback.  Thank you for reading!
    
     

Luna and Pop-Pop time

      Normally, when my wife takes the kids somewhere and I am left alone at home, it only takes about an hour before I start going stir crazy.  One would think that I would revel in my alone time, read a book, write, or even take a glorious, glorious nap.  I may do one of those things from time to time, but the fact is that once I pass the hour gap, my alone time is terrifying.  Sure, for that first hour I feel as free as a 1950s space chimp, floating around the house on my own terms.

                                          "So....the moon is made of bananas and has a giant
                                           tire swing?  I'm in!"    

During that time, I can be found listening to loud 70s punk music, watching boring political shows, leaving the toilet seat up or doing all those things at once, all without the fear of feminine reprisal.  Once that hour mark has passed and I realize that I am the only person in the house, instead of celebrating and sliding around on the kitchen floor in my socks and underwear like a fat and hairy Tom Cruise (Risky Business 2!), I start brooding.  I usually will find myself listening to some sad indie song, then I'll mope around the house, looking for laundry to clean.  I'll start picking things up and washing dishes until the whole situation quickly turns into a very boring version of Omega Man. 

                                          "Omega Man: The last man on Earth and he's here....
                                          to make the bed....or die trying!"

Last night, things were a little different.  My wife and the 14 yr old went gallivanting about town (or they were attending the grand opening of the Touch Point Church computer lab...take your pick.) and I was home all alone with the wee little baby.  I actually prefer having my mini sidekick with me.  First on our agenda was to watch the late showing of Dinosaur Train.  After watching such gripping drama, it is customary to crawl around on the floor on all fours, shouting "Dinosaur!  Grrrr!" while pretending to eat one another.  This game lasts about thirty to forty minutes before I tire out and collapse on the living room floor.  Of course, Luna knows that this is the time when she jumps on my wheezing Dino carcass.
     Later, when I discovered the garbage can was overflowing, my mini-intern and I ventured into the wilderness of Alhambra.  The sun had begun to set as we ran across the front grass.  Being the tallest of the two, I walked face first into a spider web, accidentally inhaling the arachnid resident while the baby laughs... I threw the trash in the garbage can and I was treated to a solo clap and a loud squeal.  "Yay, Pop-pop!"  I've never felt prouder about throwing the trash.
      The trashland adventure ended and bathtime commenced.  When I say Bath time, what I really bean to say is "Lets see how much water Luna can spill all over the floor, causing Pop-Pop to slip and break his tail bown."  That is not a fun game.  Luna does not see the bath as a place where you go to get clean, as much as she sees it as a place where she can pour a large pitcher of water into a smaller cup 47 times in a row.  She was fascinated by the fact that her fingers and toes had become pruney and weird looking.  How does one respond to such a strange phenomenon?  How about licking your foot and shoving a finger up your nose all while yelling "Eeeew!  Yucky!"  That's one way, I suppose.
      Once the bath and all of its assorted rituals are finally complete and the froggie pajamas are slapped onto the wriggling, giggling toddler, we ran around the house singing the Fantasy Man theme from "Noel Fieldings Luxury Comedy."  The bizarre British comedy isn't exactly baby friendly, but the songs are baby safe....for the most part.  Don't you judge me!  Bed time came and I walked Luna to her crib...singing.

                                          For most kids this is the stuff of nightmares...for ours
                                          it's a lullaby.

She laid down, singing the song as I left the room.  It was a great night for my little Dino and I.  Sure beats being a lonely space chimp.