If you give a luna some kool aide....

 The Kool-Aide Man Commeth

A Poem

   

       It was early on Tuesday and my wife and I did try to sleep...we hoped and we prayed that the children would not make a peep.  Of course the baby, fare Luna, she did wake up.  And the fourteen year old thought that it would be best to put kool aide in her sippy cup.  

Milk it was not, so like poison it did taste.  

         The baby wailed and howled and whined at an alarming pace.  I jolted out of bed with hardly a care...it was the oblivious fourteen year old that I wanted to scare. 

        "If you give a Luna some Kool Aide at 6:30 in the morn, she will be so active, crazy and wild that you will wish you were never born!"  "Why she asked?" with a confused look in her eye..."Because if you give a Luna Kool aide...you will be watching her...not I!"

Stop the Rhyming I Mean it!

Anybody want a peanut.

Poem aside...In all seriousness, I was going to kill the fourteen year old.  The baby woke up early, she gave her a cup full of Kool-Aide, put her in our bed while we were both too groggy to immediately know what was going on and ran away.  When I confronted her about it she gave this goofy, oblivious face and said "She wanted the Kool-Aide...I didn't know I wasn't supposed to give it to her!"  Yeah, my actions following that statement were far from poetic. 

Howlin' baby blues....

Have you ever sat in the back seat of an old, beat up Chevrolet Chevette for 8 hours down the 5 freeway as you are assaulted by the heat and humidity?  When you try to remove yourself from the vinyl seats, you find that you are stuck to it like a human colorform.  You scream a bit as you peel yourself off of that ancient vinyl and for the rest of the day you feel like a soggy potato chip.  It takes a special type of temperature to achieve that type of memorable joy that I am speaking of.  It takes the heat that we are having in Southern California right now.
        I am risking electrical shock by writing this in the bathtub that I have filled with ice and blue Gatorade (blue is a flavor, by the way!  Also, if you do attempt to emulate me, do not drink the Gatorade you are soaking in.), but that's the type of risk I am willing to take to stay cool.  I know I could write with a pen, but all of my ink pens have evaporated and become some sort of sentient poisonous vapor cloud that is wandering the house, cursing at the fact that we don't have air conditioning.  The kitchen is sealed off for this reason.
     Chunky fellows such as myself do not function well in the heat.  You could be wearing baggy M.C. Hammer parachute pants and your deviled ham like thighs would still rub together.  You find yourself encrusted in talcum powder like a sumo wrestler.  It's bad for me in the heat, but it is far worse for my toddler.  She is recovering from tonsil surgery so the humidity turns her poor throat into a desert wasteland of exodus proportions.
     As I went to work yesterday, my wife was blessed with my daughter's pleasant company the entire day.  Did I say pleasant...I meant to say maddening.  As parents, we have endless compassion and patience.  Endless in the same way that the "Never Ending Story" never ends.  The story ends.  And somebody is usually limping away into the shadows (Usually me, while the baby sits in the arm chair, victorious and smug.)  By the time I arrived home, my wife's nerves were obliterated, but the baby was finally relaxed and calm, albeit in a hair trigger hand grenade type fashion.  It's amazing that a mother can work for hours to calm a child, but a goofy father can destroy all that work in a matter of seconds.  I just come in and make a funny face..."Hi baby!".  Suddenly the cuddly calm baby is gone and she is transformed into Joe Pesci.  "You think I'm some sort of toddler?  Do I amuse you with my girlish giggles and cherub like smile?  You asked for it, pal!" Then she starts screeching like a barn owl on fire.  It gets to the point where my wife just yells, "Go...just go."
    So I spent the rest of the day in the kitchen with the poison cloud.  He's not that bad of a guy, his name's Tim and he likes show tunes and misses the original Law and Order. 

Higher and lower education.

      Years ago there was a great documentary about the need of higher education.  In this landmark film, an older man was inspired to join his son in advancing his education and returned to school.  The man struggled at first, had an affair with one of his instructors and eventually excelled, leading his school's swim team to victory.  That movie was the legendary "Back to School" starring Rodney Dangerfield.  Oh yeah, a really young Tony Stark too!  Okay, it wasn't a documentary, but the movie did teach us about the importance of education, sort of.  Well, no.  No it didn't.  It was funny and had a party scene featuring Oingo Boingo playing "Dead Man's Party", so go watch it.  Last Thursday was the 14 year old's Back to School night.  Normally I hear of such functions, run into the woods and hide in an abandoned cabin like a zombie plague survivor in "Night of the Living Dead".  Being her first High School back to school night, it was somewhat important.  That, and my wife threatened to bludgeon me to death with my own shoes if I didn't go with her.
      What you need to understand is that school functions, especially those with parent/teacher interaction are sort of like tag team wrestling matches.  You cannot participate on your own.  You need your partner to jump in and help you.  In wrestling, there is always a dichotomy between the team mates that make them interesting.  You have the brawler and the strategist, the crazy person and the quiet person, the guys dressed like bees, the guys dressed like road warriors (Not Mel Gibson, although I would love to see his crazy ass wrestle...though you'd have to spend a lot of money boozing him up first.) among other archetypes.  With my wife and I, you have Mercedes the Merciless and Ryan the guy who really, really didn't want to be there in the first place.  Once we arrive at the School, my wife immediately put on her game face.  It's a big smile and eyes like a hawk.  Despite the fact that my wife wears glasses, she has the uncanny ability to spot any errors that anyone makes.  It's quite amerzing.  See, she's going to spot that typo and mock me for it.  The second we walk on the school grounds, the baby decides that running around and screaming like she's on fire is the best plan of action.  She is drawn to the many flights of stairs that dot the school's landscape.  Some stairs are just there and serve no function.  It's like a freaking M.C. Escher painting.

Pictured:  Michelea's High School

Of course, Babies running up and down stairs is just a brilliant idea, so I let her go.  She's tough.  Like a slinky, she'll just bounce up and down the steps.  And like said slinky, she'll never move again. (I always had bad luck with slinkys.  I felt like they only worked once and that was that.)  So, I chase her around while Mercy deals with the school.  After realizing that her first teacher is pretty hands off and about ready to cash her pension check, Mercy's not to pleased with the way this night is shaping up.  We go to the next class and then the next and suddenly...tag!  It's my turn to go back to the second class and sign the sheet.  Of course my mini-toddler partner had no intention to allow me to quietly sneak into the room, so she wails and wails, while going limp and forcing me to drag her to the sign up sheet.  

Next, the toddler and I ran to the field where we watched some people playing handball.  The ball rolled to Luna and she refused to give it up, shouting..."Run, Run!" when the people asked for their ball back.  This was followed by a kite crashing down next to us and Luna proclaiming "Get it! Get it!"  So, I stole it away from a crying 5 year old.  Let her parents deal with their kid's tears, I had my hands full.  Other than becoming the proud new owners of a Tinkerbell kite, one good thing that came from the night was that we learned Michelea is doing great in High School.  See, constant floggings do work.  I'm just kidding, the floggings are now semi-regular. 

Surgical Success

Things in the House of Castro-Miller have been nutty of late.  We've been busier than beavers jacked up on red bull.  I am not sure how the beavers in this example came into possession of said red bull energy elixir.   I imagine it involves a shipment of the magic pixie drink falling out of a truck on its way to the local 7-11 and landing in a nearby creek where beavers, mistaking the cans for logs gnaw into them and are imbued with fantastic energy powers.  Then their little beaver hearts explode in their little beaver chests.  What a sad, story.  For some happy, clappy news, Luna's tonsillectomy surgery was a success.  Part of the business that I referred to before becoming sidetracked by my tragic woodland creature story was that Luna's tonsils and adenoids had become very large and posed a potential problem.  By the way, I had no idea what an adenoid really was before all of this.  I always just assumed it was that annoying red guy from those old dominoes pizza commercials

 

Wait....they gave him his own NES video game?  What the hell?  

Anyway, an adenoid has nothing to do with delicious (Or disgusting) dominoes pizza.  It is actually a lumpy mass of spongy tissue that sits in the back of the nasal cavity and helps protect from infection. 

 

It kinda looks like a little wad of gum...or Krang the brain from the Ninja Turtles.

 So, unlike the Noid whose pizza stealing ways make him a harmful menace, the adenoid is helpful....most of the time.  In Luna's case, the tonsils and adenoids both became inflamed...so out they came.  I have to admit that it is creepy anytime anyone in your family needs surgery, it's creepier when it is your itty bitty baby.  

Despite the case of the worry wart itus that we all suffered from, all is well.  So, to cut this one short, we are very thankful to everyone who helped us (Grandma Cathy, Grandpa Diego, The Jarmans, Grandma and Grandpa up North and everyone who had the baby in their thoughts and prayers.) and to the great doctors at Kaiser. (Except for that one doctor who barged in the hospital room while Luna was asleep and insisted on waking her up to check her vitals.  I am just happy that Mercy didn't punch her....although in the hospital, any fighting wounds would be tended to quickly.)   More details and madness next time!

The wonders of "EWWWW"...

     Language is an amazing thing.  We tend to ignore the idea that there was a time when people grunted and pointed to get their ideas across.  For all we know when Mortimer the caveman said "Urgh ug grugh" he was really saying "My dear boy, Mammoth meat really might be the next diet food, don't you think?"  Then the Ice Age came and everyone died except for John Leguizamo, Denis Leary, and Ray Romano in their hilarious animal forms.  I think Queen Latifah was there too, but I haven't read a history book in a while, so I'm not too sure.  Of course as I man, I still grunt and point to get my ideas across and up until a few months ago so did our baby girl, Luna. 


Okay, so not all cavemen grunted...

     Now the smattering of words have grown and grown as the days and months have sped up.  It is so weird to see such a tiny human being using words like "Breakfast", "Banana" and "Economic crisis" in mini sentences.  Okay, I stretched the truth about that last part.  She can't say "Breakfast".  While the words may not always be crystal clear, you can get the point.  Once your child becomes a toddler it is like you somehow become a linguistics expert for some undiscovered language.  It's sort of like that old Jodie Foster movie "Nell" but a whole lot less annoying. 



   "Oh Canada...I mean...oodie blah..."
    So, as words advance, so does the understanding of expressions.  When Luna was very little she already knew that when something was exciting you could best express that by going "Oooooh" as you discover the electrical socket and dream of sticking the neighbor's cat's tail in it.  Lately as Luna began potty training, we caught ourselves saying "Ewwww" after changing a diaper.  So of course, Luna fell in love with the expression. 

Now, every time she witness something she deems as gross she let's out a long "Ewwwwww..." Unfortunately there are many things she thinks are gross.  Normal things.  A baby wipe, an unopened package of diapers and the funniest...my feet.  This morning I was laying on the couch with my feet sticking out.  Luna walked right up to my feet and scrunched up her nose and let out a disapproving "Ewwwww". 

So I quickly took a shower and tried to eradicate the stink from my feet.  I got dressed in a rush, leaving my clothes on the floor and the bathroom door open.  I walked down the hall and heard another loud "Ewwww".  Once I entered the bathroom I saw Luna putting my underwear in the open toilet saying "Agua...Ewww".   She may not say many words, but she can sure get her point across.  Her Pop-Pop is one stinky dude.

*All images are property of their respective owners and used for satire purposes.


    

Toddler nudity in the neighborhood...

     Have you ever heard that old saying "When it's really hot there's nothing better to do but to strip naked and run around in the yard."?  No?  I think Lady Godiva said it, or maybe it was Randy Travis.  Anyway, my toddler Luna must have heard this saying because when the heat gives us all the beat down, her birthday suit is her only suit.  Any of you who live in Southern California know that this heat has been unbearable lately.  It has been so hot that even going outside is out of the question.  I saw a humming bird burst into flames. 
 
     We had recently bought a small inflatable pool shaped like a smiling green frog for Luna to play in.  That frog has not been smiling, Yesterday I put in the water and it boiled as the frog screamed "It burns, it burns!"  So rather than have toddler stew in a boiling rubber frog, I have been letting Luna run around the front yard as I spray her with the hose.  She loves it, but she does not like wearing her wet clothes or wet diaper.  That thing gobbles up water like I gobble up cheese, and we are both bloated and wobbly afterward.      
 
     So of course, we have been allowing Luna to run around naked as a jay bird on the front lawn.  By the way, I assume a jay bird is a Blue Jay, I'm not sure.  We had a snotty Blue Jay that hung around my grandmother's house but he was fully clothed in a suit and top hat and wore a monocle.  He would always shout "By Jove, jolly good show!" before stealing the cat's food and pecking her in the face.  Mercy and I are both fine with the baby's nudity.  She's a baby, it's no big deal.  Plus she puts the streak in streaking, she is moving so fast that all you can see is a fleshy blur speeding across the lawn.  Michelea, the fourteen year old thinks we are disgusting heathens for letting the baby run wild.  I am happy that she thinks that, hopefully when she gets older she will finally go along with my "Burqa as a bathing suit" idea.

    We have received a few snotty stares by some of the neighborhood passersby and local dogs, but I just tend to ignore them.  Especially those bulldogs that strut down the street thinking "I may be naked and lick myself, but I'm a dog."  Okay, I am not sure they are thinking that, but they have such judgemental eyes.  They're probably thinking: "It's hot, can I drink out of your toilet?"

   As long as this heatwave continues, I am fine with this loose dress code.  Well, for toddlers at least.  If I have my way the fourteen year old might be the only student in her class to wear a Nun's habit.

Nerd Alert: Is "Avengers Assemble" worth your comic book buck?

Whether you liked the recent "Avengers" movie or not, there is one undeniable factoid...it made a whole lot of money. Over a billion dollars world wide. Naturally when a project like the "Avengers" film is that successful their are spin offs galore. The most obvious would be "Avengers Assemble", an on-going comic book series that debuted right before the film's release and features the same cast of characters. It's like printing money. You have a built in fan base from the movie and a pre-existing fan base from the comics and bam! Instant gold, right? Well...Your book still has to be good. I would like to say that Avengers Assemble is good, but I can't. It's not flat out bad mind you, it just isn't the Avengers book that I would choose to represent the characters to a mainstream audience. Here is a short rundown of the story thus far: A super powered secret society known as the Zodiac has attacked various government sites across the globe, these actions have brought together the group of Captain America, Iron Man, Thor,The Hulk, Black Widow and Hawkeye (The movie line-up). After being individually defeated by the Zodiac the assembled Avengers...assemble...again (It's the title) and give the bad guys the beat down until they run crying to their master. That master in question is
SPOILER ALERT (If you haven't seen the end credits of the Avengers movie you need to stop reading and get out more...seriously the movie is like 3 months old already!) Thanos. The purple faced big bad gives our guys the beat down and disappears with his stolen goodies, the ultra shiny, ultra destructive cosmic cube. When all seems lost and the Avengers seem like they are in over their heads they are helped out by the guardians of the galaxy, picture them as a space themed version of the Avengers with aliens and a talking, gun wielding raccoon.

Now that you are all caught up, let's talk writing. Brian Micheal Bendis is a great writer and he has done a great job on some of the best Avengers stories. His "New Avengers" run is hands down one of my favorite super hero team books. However, his style is very different here, it is as if the company gave him the directive to write down to the fans and create a loose, somewhat sloppy plot that would appeal to the masses. It is not your typical well thought out, well executed BMB storyline. Not only is the plot insultingly formulaic, it reads as if it were written by a committee of executives rather than one writer. For example, not only are the cast of characters from the movie, the main villain and supporting allies are all rumored to appear in the sequel. From his awesome appearance at the end of the first movie, it is obvious that Thanos will appear in part 2. What you may not know is that the Guardians of the Galaxy are rumored to appear as well and spin off into their own franchise. If that is truly the case then this book is just a commercial tie-in, a marketing tool to introduce newcomers to characters that they will see more of in the sequel. It's a smart business move, but not the best way to build a plot. To his credit though, Bendis still has some great character moments with his patented snappy banter.

On the artistic side of things, Mark Bagley is still one of the greatest artists Marvel comics has on tap. If you loved his fluid, detailed and fun take on Amazing Spider Man and later Ultimate Spider Man, you will love this more. It is a wide screen epic that Bagley was born to draw. If you are willing to put up with the filler of a bad plot you are in store for some eye candy.

Overall, this book does not make it clear when the story is taking place, or if it fits in the regular Marvel Universe at all. Besides the fact that each character looks more like their movie counterpart than their normal comic book look, there is no mention of what is happening with the on-going Avengers/X-men crossover. That series features everyone in the marvel universe fighting everyone else. It is a massive war that involves the destructive power of the Phoenix entity, yet we get no mention of it here, plus keep in mind that all of these Avengers should be fighting the x-men and can't possibly be in two places at once. With all of that baggage, I can only recommend this book to the casual buyer or child who just wants to read the most basic of stories accompanied with great art, because that's all you're getting here.