The Sticker Price

Who in the world would ever think that they were entitled to a reward when ever they went to the bathroom? Toddlers would, that's who. The mini people of the world ages 1-3 think they need a reward for just about anything. “Pick up the blocks and you'll get a juice box! Drink your juice and you can play with the blocks. Stop kicking the cat and you'll get blocks and a juice box!” That's just what my wife has to say to motivate me, and we don't even have a cat. I like Hi-C, what can I say? By the way, I don't think Hi-C counts as juice in any way, shape or form. Does anybody remember Hi-C Ecto-Cooler? It had Slimer on the box and was a delicious blend of artificial fruit flavoring and Ectoplasm.

That undead taste you can't

resist!!

                                                           

Unlike me, our toddler won't just work for pedestrian rewards like juice boxes. No, she needs stickers, the currency of the toddler universe. Much like how boxes of cigarettes are used to barter for goods and services in the prison system, stickers have a strong amount of buying power in the toddler world. Have you ever seen a toddler stab another toddler with a makeshift rattle shank for a sheet of Tinkerbell stickers? I haven't. If you have, you live in a dark and horrible world.

 

"If I miss one second of Yo-Gabba-Gabba

I will kill you all!"

 

     Like almost anyone with a child, we are no strangers to the doctor's office. Those visits didn't go too well at first. Stuff went down, bad stuff. Screaming, gnashing of teeth, rending of limbs...that was just me in the waiting room after I found out they updated Goofus and Gallant in Highlights magazine. It got to the point that anytime the toddler would see anyone in a white lab coat, she would cry. Lab techs, specialists, even good old Doc Brown from Back to the Future. Luckily, these genius medical professionals know how the toddler brain works. After each visit she would get to pick two stickers and all would be well. Now, she rolls up her sleeves and is ready to have half her blood drawn, just as long as she gets that Hello Kitty sticker. A few days ago she tripped over the sprinkler head in our front yard and started to cry. I went to comfort her and she said “I hurt leg...need doctor, get sticker.” Yes, future medical students, you will go to school for 7 years, work your butts off and still be known as sticker peddlers to the toddler community. Welcome to the world of an average parent.

Now that potty training is in full effect I feel like some kind of black market, seedy sticker dealer. “Hey toddler, you want a My little pony riding a T-Rex on Sesame Street sticker? All you got to do is make with the poo!” That's all it takes now. Potty training has been a constant headache, but now that we started a Pee and Poo sticker chart, it's her favorite thing on the planet. Who wouldn't love to get a reward for something you do multiple times a day, every day until you die? If my wife were to get a bunch of Marvel Stickers from the dollar tree, maybe I would stop leaving my clothes on the bathroom floor. Don't judge, we all need a little extra motivation from time to time. It's either Marvel stickers or a pizza party.