Other People's Children...
Sometimes you experience things that make you just want to shake your fist vigerously in the air like that cranky old man that screams "Damn kids, git offa my freshly mowed lawn!" (Even though the lawn has long since dried up and you are no longer a kid, but a 29 year old who continues to cut through his yard because it's much quicker than walking all the way around the block) My wife, Mercy and I had such a fist shaking experience yesterday, and like all things chaotic and mayhem related, it involved Shrek.
A few years ago, I discovered the wonder of the magical, two dollar theater. Ever since then we have tried to watch all of our theatrical released films at this budget wonderland. Yesterday, we decided to take the extended family out to see Shrek the fourty third or whatever the last film was called. Our crew was kind of like the characters in the magnificent seven. Only there were six of us, counting the unborn future baby. There was me, Ryan the renegade leader with no desire to pay Twenty two dollars for movie popcorn, My wife who now has super senses thanks to her pregnancy. She can smell fake popcorn butter two miles before we even enter the theater. There was my brother Joey, visiting from Chico who has the ability to find two crumpled up dollar bills in any pair of pants he is wearing (Which makes him a god at the two dollar theater!) There was my brother in law Matthew with all the powers and abilities of a teenage boy and of course, there was my little sister with the power to be in the fantasy land of unicorns and pixies every waking second of her life.
So, our motley crew arrived at the movie theater, ready to see our money's worth of a movie that had been running in theaters for about a month. We nestled into our seats and began enjoying ourselves as the movie started. Then it happened. A family of chatterboxes and yuppie wannabes descended on the ciniplex like popcorn starved locusts, talking loudly as they approached the seats behind us. Thus it began.
Through most of the film, the snottiest of snot nosed little boys decided to wage war against everyone, including his weak willed servant of a father. This exchange actually happened. FATHER: "Here's your soda, son." BRAT: "This is Mountain Dew! I don't want Mountain dew, dad!" There was a moment of silence. Then.... BRAT: "Dad! Can I speak to you for just a second! I don't want Mountain dew!" In front of us there was a little child, probably no older than three who was really loving the movie. He was laughing and carrying on like three year olds do. Levity and laughter was not approved by the snot nosed Brat. The little brat continued to shhh at the three year old, while he was complaining to his weak father about his poor soda choice. Even the father tried to quiet his annoying son, but his weak attempts were futile. The three year old laughed and said EWWWWW after Shrek and Fiona kissed. Everyone in the theater thought that was hillarious. Everyone but the brat who Shushed him loudly. I had enough!
I turned back and tried to see the brat in the dark, but I couldn't make him out and I said: "Hey, he's just a little kid, he's having fun, chill out." Then there was silence. Glorious, splendid silence. Then suddenly: "Dad, I really hate Mountain Dew!" Other people's kids suck.
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