As we walk through the valley of the shadow of future baby, I can't help but think about all of the influences my child will soon be subject to. The aforementoned horrors of the Cyrus Virus, The Ga Ga ca ca, any movie starring an Efron or a Pattinson, all things from modern Nickelodeon and modern Disney, and pretty much all things contemporary. All of these sub par forms of entertainment will assault our poor little innocent child much like they assaulted our slightly jaded, mildly cynical brains. (Okay, I was being modest. I am very fraking cynical! Yup, I said Frak. Battlestar fans in the house...er..blog!)
At this point, I should warn you, I may risk sounding like a grumpy old man, but frak it, pop culture is just not as cool as it used to be! Back in our day ('our' day being the era of children who grew up in the 80's and early '90s, back before Sesame Street became the Elmo show) pop culture was not just entertaining, it was informative. Look at G.I. Joe for example, not only was it fun to see the evil Cobra goons get clobbered by a bunch of soldiers that thought having a sailor with a talking parrot and William 'refrigerator' Perry on their team was benificial, the show also served a real purpose. As part of some glorious form of action community service, the G.I. Joe episodes always featured segments where some dumbass kids almost kill themselves during acts of stupidity, only to be shown the light by the Joes. "Now I know never to rub bacon on my crotch and go streaking through the bear habitat at the zoo, Mr. Shipwreck!" "And knowing is half the battle, Billy. Seriously though, put some damn clothes on!" Cartoons of today are rubish! Pure rubish!
They even ruined Star Wars! No true Star Wars fan would dare to watch the pile of crap that is the Star Wars: Clone Wars cartoon. Blasphemy Lucas! Blasphemy! It's bad enough you made the Jumper guy Vader, but you had to unleash this steaming pile on us? Bleach! Obviously, I could go on for days and days about this subject. I find it very concerning. I can't change the outside world. My solution? We are going to surround ourselves with enough vintage toys, classic music and television shows that we convince our child that we are living in the past. 1995 at the latest. I have even decided to make the Toyota Corrola look like a Back to the future inspired time machine. Everytime we venture into the world outside of our safe and secure time bubble, we will convince our child that we have traveled into the future.
Am I being ridiculous, probably, but if anyone reading this is about to be a mother or father, know this...it will happen to you too!
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